JaniceOmega!

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Alhambra by way of Long Beach, California, United States
About me: Everyday I am evolving, everyday growing, trying to conquer the fears that keep me from embracing the unlimited possibilities. I am working at creating a loving relationship with myself, making no apologies for who I was or who I am becoming. This is my life outloud.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Till We Meet Again. . .

I woke up thinking about Vickie Spencer. Saturday, December 19, 2009, the Lord called her home. I fell numb when i heard the news. I can’t believe she’s gone.

She loved me as her own. . . unconditionally, free of judgment. She prayed me through a rough time in my life and helped me forgive myself. For years we ministered together at Central Juvenile. . . faithfully every second Sunday; she was a stable force in my life and now she’s just gone. It won't be the same without her. I can’t help but wonder why she had to die. Not questioning God’s decision, just why her? Why now? God never makes mistakes and He wouldn’t dare risk His reputation by making one now. I’m clear on that. And He’s sovereign and does all things well and He causes all things to work together for our good. . . I am not confused. But none of that truth erases the question my flesh has: “Why Vickie? Why now?”

She's at peace now, free of pain and medicines and all that radiation. Her body succumbed to pancreatic cancer but her spirit is rejoicing and will live on forever. She’s “Vickie” again. . . healthy and radiant, and her voice is strong and clear. And God understands the heart of my questioning, and when I get in His presence with worship, He’s going to settle my longing to know. . .”Why Vickie? Why now?”

I love you, Vickie Spencer and I miss you so much already. I'll look out for Poppie and Marlon and I'll keep praying for and ministering to the children at juvenile hall.

Till we meet again. . .

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Fiftieth Celebration

I am 50! Wow. It's been two days and I'm still trying to wrap my mind around it. I only believe it ‘cause my birth certificate says so! I don’t know what 50 is supposed to feel like but I feel great dispite my bum knee. Patsy, Kim, Roshann, and Jaha threw a “surprise” birthday party for me on Friday night. A birthday celebration.

It was at Recreation Park. I got there about 7:45 or so. Michael Blake and nephew Steve were waiting for my arrival and escorted me in. I was all prepared to “act” surprised but when I saw the people I really was surprised!! I got soooo happy and excited. And I stayed happy and excited allll night!! I forgot to take my camera out to have someone take pictures!!

Kim crowned me with a “50th Birthday” hat and necklace, and got things under way with prayer and I followed her with a surprise invitation to lead praise and worship! That’s how you get a party started!!.

From there, Robyn took over as hostess and oh my goodness. The girl is crazy!! I mean I always knew that but Friday night, she was off-the-chain funny!!! Totally off the cuff and in the moment. Reuben led the guests in shouting out fifty adjectives describing me. That was really incredible ‘cause I didn’t think they’d get past 10! But they quickly came up with 50 words! It was absolutely incredible!! Cathy Crowell, Julie Harris, Teresa Warren, and Lynette and Mary Green sang to me. They were amazing! The night continued with family and friends sharing their sentiments and views and personal testaments as to my place in their lives. And there were balloons and bubbles, a birthday cake and two versions of the “happy birthday” song. I was completely overwhelmed!

One of the “50 Things I Know For Sure” is every now and then I need to know that I matter. Well, mission accomplished on Friday night. Family and friends came out and showered me with love. And I felt it and embraced it. All of my insides shifted causing my errors and faults and excuses for who and why I am to fade away. I was humbled yet empowered. I felt loved and accepted; my being was validated! Sharon Jackson settled it all for me when she referred to me as a "wink" in people's lives when I share my being through my gifts. She says it's how I give love. She held me close to her and spoke to my heart. With that, I experienced a new level of freedom and became present with my own “goodness” and purpose. And there was peace inside of me; a peace that opened my heart to receive and give “love”. A feeling I’ve never felt before. It was God through His people.

I am so grateful to everyone who was present to share with me on that night. All of them are part of the transformation that is taking place in my life. I still see their faces. . . every single face. I still feel their hugs and I still hear their voices; their kind, genuine words; their songs. It was a defining moment for me and I'll never be the same.

I'm grateful.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Daddy

His birthday was this month—September 8. He would have been 92 years old. Nowadays the age of ninety-two isn’t old; had his mind been right and had he had a desire for life, he could still be alive I think. For the past few days, maybe weeks now, he's been on my mind. I’ve thought about him and what our relationship could have been like. In my eyes he was a miserable man, he didn’t like me, and he didn’t care whether I came or went. Learning the story about mama and “Mr. Barnett” validated these feelings and helped me to conclude that he didn’t like me because I wasn’t his; and he knew it! But Therman Willis Davis is the only man I’ve known as dad. Whether he is biologically my dad or not, he is the only man I’ve known to call my father. And so for the past few weeks I’ve longed for him, my father, and recently have been having conversations with him in my head.

It’s kind of weird because I feel like I’m establishing a relationship with him. I feel like he’s thinking about me, too.. . .like somehow my curiosity about what our relationship could have been like has reached heaven and I have his attention. And I feel love coming from him. Real love from my father. A daddy’s love. I close my eyes and I have a vision of us sitting and talking. Mostly me talking; he’s listening and answering any questions I have. But we’re communicating. His voice is calm and comforting and his answers are reassuring. I feel like a little girl. . .really safe and glad he’s my daddy. Proud he’s my daddy ‘cause he knows everything. And I wish he were here. I just need him so much right now.

Monday, September 7, 2009

Dear Lord . . .







This has been the most amazing summer of my life and I have you to thank. I asked and You made it possible. You provided more than I could have ever imagined! From the west to the south to the east to the Midwest, I couldn’t have asked for more. I enjoyed everything about it—the trains, planes, busses, cars, taxis, my family, the people, the food, the weather, the conversations, the food—everything! Thank you so much. Everywhere I was, You were. . .and you made me know it! Forever I will love You and worship You and share You “outloud” with others. You mean everything to me.

A Day Outloud: September 7, 2009

It Labor Day. Summer is officially over. Back to work tomorrow.

I spent the day alone. I woke up thinking about my relationships and why I’m always alone. I wanted to call two of my male friends but I knew it was best not to call either one of them. The two of them keep me on an emotional roller coaster probably because they are the two that I went beyond sheer intimacy with. It’s been weeks since I’ve spoken with either one and, at this point, it’s best that I continue to not talk to them. One of them I know probably wouldn’t answer his phone anyway and the other one. . .well we’d probably find something to disagree about and end up hanging up on a bad note. No, I need to be where I am right now. . .alone with myself. With my emotions and feelings. Something’s happening and I need to not fight it. Today I was led to my journal entries from Landmark and was reminded of the work I did. On the flight home from Philadelphia I was brought back to the work I did in Landmark---the conversation that I had with Valarie about my relationships (men vs women) had to be at the tail end of our time together because I needed to process on my own—so that I could be reminded—so that I could review what I learned —so that I could be present with myself and my own thoughts, without interference. The end of the sour trip to Las Vegas last weekend also brought me back to the work I did in Landmark. It ended the way it did because I wasn’t being “authentic”; I had time to think about that on the bus ride home.

I’ve never longed for my dad. . .I didn’t even have a relationship with the man. But i believe its all relative. I don’t want the work I’ve done (through Landmark) to stop or be for naught. I became complete with my past and created the possibility of living my life authentically—with my God, myself, and in my relationships. I gave possibility to become and be and choose the life I want for myself. I’m cleaning up—old wounds, suppressed emotions—and I’m starting over.
Unfortunately it's not going to be easy. Nor pain free.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

A Day Outloud: September 6, 2009


I’m lonely today. I haven’t felt this way in a very, very long time. Maybe I’m experiencing separation anxiety. HaHaHa. . .that would be a first. Over the past 2 months, I’ve been around and engaged with more people on a continuous, day to day basis than I have. . .I don’t know. . . since my early 20’s maybe. And now, suddenly, everyone’s. . . gone. And I liked everybody. And I enjoyed so much being around everybody. And the "everybody" was actually family!! Go figure. I enjoyed being around my family. And it was comfortable. Not one time did I wish the day would end or did I want to go and be by myself. I had enough “alone time” at night. . .wherever I slept. .. and that was enough. Amazingly, that was enough. And I just kinda miss being around everybody now. I don’t know why it’s suddenly hitting me today. I feel sad. Not depressed, just sad. And lonely.

And I wish I had my parent’s house to go to and stay the night tonight. I don’t want to go anywhere else; I just want my parent’s house to go to. With your parents you don’t have to ask if it’s ok to come by or go in the fridge or stay the night or wash or just hang out cause you wanna just hang out. . . anywhere in the house. It’s mama and daddy’s house! It’s always ok. At least it was for me. And I miss that more than anything. . . just having them there and having their house to go. Just being able to put my key in the door and be home. More than that, though, I wish I had daddy here to know him like my siblings have described him. I wish I had my daddy here to talk to about stuff. .. about things I’ve done and what to do next. I’d go over to the house right now and go out in the backyard where he would most likely be and do like Valarie did. . .just be present with him. Or I’d sit on the couch next to the chair he’d most likely be sitting in and watch television with him. . . or maybe even ask him to show me how to play checkers or chess. I don’t really like games but he did and that give us something in common. Or maybe I would just ask him questions. . . random questions.. .to listen to him talk. Yeah. . . And somewhere in the midst of all of that he would hear me say something that’s on my heart and give me advice. Like daddy’s are supposed to do. . .

I don’t know where all of this is coming from but it’s a bit overwhelming today. In times past I’ve been able to crawl into the arms of God and find comfort and security but today. . . I don’t know. Emotions overtake me and it’s hard to settle. Maybe my quest to understand why I prefer men over women as friends has opened the door to these feelings. I don’t know. I just know I have a need to be parented right through here.

And what the hell does it mean when people say “home is where the heart is.”?

Saturday, September 5, 2009

A Day Outloud: September 5, 2009

I was tired when I woke up this morning ‘cause I didn't rest well due to the heat. It was soo hot last night. When I opened my eyes I realized I had finally slept; and I just laid there staring at the ceiling. I didn't want to read, pray, or do anything. . .I didn’t want to disturb my body temperature, my hormones (those f**kin’ “private” summers). . . I just wanted to enjoy the coolness. So I turned on the television. . .

There was a McDonald’s commercial on. I'm not sure how I was suddenly so enticed but I succumbed to the invite and busted out of the house to buy a breakfast deluxe! I rationalized it being the perfect solution to not turning on any heat in my duplex. I couldn't have been more wrong. And it’s not like I didn't already know! A man ate McDonalds for 30 days and gained 2+ pounds a day!!! The food is crap! What was I thinking??? (Apparently I wasn't). Dang.

I was void of television all while I vacationed and didn’t miss it at all. I didn’t sleep to the television and I didn’t wake up to it. I was fine without it. I read and I journaled and I was up everyday enjoying being present with me and my surroundings. So why can’t I do that here. At home. In California. What’s different? There are things to do here. There are places to go. There are people to hang out with and be around. Why am I falling back into those old habits? Cause it’s hot as hell. And I would have to drive to get where I need to go! Maybe if my car had air conditioning that would help. But it doesn’t. So it makes any drive, especially across that freeway in the heat, miserable!!

I’ve got to create the possibility of day to day living without the television. I’ve got to establish a life, a routine, right here at home—in California—without it. I was provoked and manipulated by that thing today! McDonald’s?? C’mon now.

Men versus Women


On Sunday, August 23, 2009, my sis-in-love, Valarie, invited me to explore why I prefer men over women as friends, stating (and I paraphrase) that if I don’t resolve or come to an understanding I would end up rejecting an intimate/quality relationship with her or any woman who would want the same. Now mind you, this conversation doesn’t surface until I’m getting out of the car at the airport. We’ve just spent 4 days together—celebrating our fiftieth year on the streets of uptown New York and Pennsylvania—so why on earth would this conversation not surface until now?? If anyone could help me understand “why?” and help me process through my preference of men over women it would be her.

I told her I didn’t know why the preference. She said (as only she can), “If you did know, what would it be?” What the hell??? I had to repeat her question aloud: “If I did know, what would it be.” I guess she could hear in my voice that I didn’t know how to begin answering that question. So she asked another one (as only she would): “What’s the first thing that comes to mind?” “Hmmm.. . Attention!” I belted, and I continued to share that it could have something to do with not getting it (attention) from daddy. She agreed adding the lack of attention from my brothers as well. It didn’t sound or feel right to use this as the possible “reason” for my preference, and she noted that’s why I concluded that I didn’t know. She says often time we use that excuse (“I don’t know!”) when what we’re thinking doesn’t sound or feel like it is or should be the “right” answer. I agree. But I think we also use that excuse when the answer is so right that we don’t want it to be the answer—it’s too embarrassing or painful. Or it evokes an emotion we don’t want to overcome. . . takes us to a place in our souls that we don’t want to be.

As I got out of the car she made it clear that she wanted to stand for our relationship, and was going to call me on it. . . but only for so long. Then she would stop. . .stop if there is no reciprocity. I get it. I understand. But my fear? I don’t know that we agree on what the relationship will look like for us. What are the expectations? She knows that as a result of my experience through Landmark I’m transforming, but I’ve only walked in my transformation as “Janice on vacation”. I haven’t added work and church and my day to day routines yet. That piece won’t filter in until September. So what if I fall off the “transformation” wagon. What then? And now we’re leaving each other with only the phone to uncover it all. Damn.

On the flight home it was all I could think about. Why do I prefer men over women as friends?? I’m sure it does have something to do with attention—I guess I like having all of it on me. I get what I want (from men) and most times (in the relationship) I get to be right. I run my racket and getting what I want becomes the payoff (revelation gained from attending Landmark). And I can have an intimacy with men that I can’t have with women. Not sex, i n t i m a c y!! And that piece of it may stem from what took place in my childhood—I was taught how to be sensuous with a man—with my body, my hands, and lips—without engaging in sex. . . or rather intercourse.

And men like that attention. . . which in turn gets me their full attention. I’m able to hold hands and lay close and feel like or be treated like a female, a woman. I’m protected and adored. I’m hugged and loved on. So we both benefit. I don’t have to concern myself with engaging in or holding a stimulating conversation—which I feel is my weakness. Conversation becomes secondary. I capitalize on what I’m good at. . .and what I’m good at I can only do with men. . . so men become my preference.

With women. . . hmmm, women. I don’t know. I really don’t know. At this point Valarie would ask, “What’s the first thing that comes to mind?” And my response would be, “Competition.” But that’s as far as I can go right now. I can’t think about any more right now.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

A Day Outloud: September 1, 2009

Ahhh, September. Freshmen Orientation was today. The class of 2013! I feel I did my best job ever this year training the Link Facilitators; and they, in turn did an exceptional job training the Link Leaders. I love training and preparing people for a job or work. That’s what I want to do. I want a job, a high paying job, training folks for work. Employment. That’s what I set out to do—train women (I guess men, too) in office skills and customer services—but I ended up in special education. All good though cause I wouldn’t have the teaching or pedagogic skills I now have. So it’s all good. All things working together for good. . .cause I love God. . . and I have purpose. Maybe I should look into Human Resources. But I still only want to work 9 months out of the year. Hmmm. . . .

I still don't know what imma do for my birthday.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

The Landmark Experience

The Landmark Forum is a 3-day intense workshop that forces you to look at yourself to uncover what has held you back from living your life full out. It was incredible. . .the perfect precursor to my summer excursion! It will explain my blog postings titled “My Genesis” and “The First Layer”. As a result, my life will never be the same! I attended June 19-21 and 23, 2009 and posted these entries on Facebook:

LANDMARK: Day 1
Saturday, June 20, 2009 at 7:51am

If I weren’t concerned about “looking good” I wouldn’t go back! I would chalk up a $395 loss and call it a day. It was an emotional roller-coaster for me. The worse part was being stripped of note-taking (which is a method I use to “process”). As a symbol of surrendering to enrollment and being in the present, I walked up front and gave the coach my pencil. I honored my agreement (one I didn’t know I made) to not take notes!!

I was frustrated and confused for 95% of the time which, as I understand, was fine. Five percent is all most participants get on the first day. At one point I became angry because I couldn’t comment on a particular piece of conversation we were on. Many moments/minutes throughout the day I simply “checked-out”. I was overwhelmed with “language” and became more and more frustrated because I wasn’t given time to “process”. And breaks weren’t breaks in the way that I know breaks to be. Noooooo, I had “assignments” during the breaks. I so needed to “disappear” from it all and say “To hell with this!!” But, I didn’t walk to “not look good” and not honor my agreement to do all I had been asked to do in order to make “it” work.

Today is DAY 2 and I am going back. I’m going back because I know all that I experienced yesterday is part of the “process”…it’s part of me feeling uncomfortable with what I’m about to uncover and disclose in my life in order to invent the possibility(ies) I have for my myself and my life. Admitting to the areas in my life where I have been inauthentic and acknowledging my lack of integrity--toward myself will be the hardest thing I’ll ever have to do in life!! But I will do it. As painful as it will be and as vulnerable as it may leave me, with all the risks involved, all that is potentially at stake, I will do it. I will commit to the process and I will grow and learn and uncover and unleash.

And so today, today, Holy Spirit, I begin by acknowledging you as my strength. I open myself up to this (Landmark) process— and all You have for me. I give you permission to coach me through the trained and capable coaches and facilitators and the wonderful participants (just like me) to enlighten me and give me revelation in areas of my life that need your attention. In Jesus’ Name. . .


LANDMARK: Day 2
Sunday, June 21, 2009 at 8:05am

Somebody used to sing a song that said, "What a difference a day makes. . . 24 little hours." (Exhale)

I'm late so that's all I have right now. Just praise God for a new day and "transformation" by the renewing of my mind!

I love me.


LANDMARK: Day 3
Monday, June 22, 2009 at 1:41pm

I don’t even know where or how to begin. I am left speechless. God used the Landmark Forum to totally transform my life!! I am empowered to live life full out!

For many, many years I’ve been crying, “I want to be happy. Lord, I just want to be happy. Lord, make me happy. Lord why ain’t I happy? Yes, your joy is my strength, but I’m not happy; and I want to be happy. Lord, could you please show me how to be happy!!!” Part of the purpose for jumping on a train for a 45 day journey across the country was to find “happiness”. Maybe it’s not in Alhambra or Long Beach or the state of California; maybe it’s out “there” somewhere and I have to go find it. (Don’t act like you ain’t thought crazy stuff before. Don’t even go there..lol)

It was through the 3, 13-hour days (yes thirteen hours!) with the Landmark Forum that I found the missing piece. ME!!! Imagine my surprise when I realized that I’ve been the one responsible for keeping me from the very thing that I’ve been searching for??? I have been the missing piece to my happiness and I was there all of the time! I never felt more liberated!! I have been transformed by the renewing of my mind and I am free to create endless possibilities that have meaning for me. I have “nothing” to start with, AND THAT’S THE BEAUTY OF IT ALL!!!!

The Landmark Forum is not a religion nor is it a cult. It is not a forum by which to brainwash you, nor is it designed to diminish or erase your faith or belief system; but it will definitely serve to enhance it. It is an amazing program with a curriculum that requires you to look at your life—and the stories YOU’VE created that have kep you from living forward. Period.

I think it’s Jeffrey Osborne that sings the song with these words. . . “suddenly. . .life has new meaning for me. There’s beauty up above, and things you never take notice of; you wake up suddenly, you’re in love.”

I’m in love, y’all. With life, with myself, and with God all over again.


Wednesday, June 24, 2009 at 7:09pm
Well, the final session was last night. .
.

I am thankful for Landmark Education and the curriculum it uses to assist in transforming people’s lives. If you’re listening with your spiritual ear, you’ll hear the Word of God all up and through. They teach transformation (Romans 12:1) versus change because “change” doesn’t work—the more you try to “change” the more you stay the same. They encourage sharing amongst one another because people can often see themselves and find their victories through the testimonies of others (We overcome by the Blood of the Lamb and the Word of our testimony. . . Revelation?). They stress that your words create your future (Duh!!!). And the list goes on. If you’re kind of stuck and can’t seem to figure out why, and you need a little something extra to push you into living your life fully, I highly recommend The Landmark Forum.

It’s intense and by no account will it be easy. You will be forced to look YOU in the past (yes, the past) to uncover those “stories” that have been keeping you from living life full out. You’ll be amazed at what you’ll discover—“stuff” that you didn’t know that you didn’t know! (Yep, that’s what I said.) I see life in a whole new light now. YES, God is still Master. . . Savior. . . .Jeeeeeeesus! And YES, I’m still saved by the Blood of the Lamb, and NO, I’m not losing my mind ‘cause I’m turning 50 this year! I just prayed and God gave me what I needed. And for that I couldn’t be more thankful.

"Remember not the former things, neither consider the things of old. Behold, I will do a new thing; now it shall spring forth; shall ye not know it? I will even make a way in the widerness, and rivers in the desert." saith the Lord. (Isaiah 43:18-19)

Monday, August 17, 2009

Psalm 42 (The Song)

AS the deer panteth for the water
So my soul longeth after Thee.
You, alone, are my heart's desire
and I long to worship Thee.

Oh, You, oh, Lord are my strength, my shield;
To You, oh, Lord does my spirit yield.

You, alone, are my heart's desire
And I long to worship Thee.
Yes I long. . .
To wor. . .ship Thee.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Forgive Me, Father

For not trusting You,
At times doubting You,
For walking by sight and not by faith.

For not loving on You,
And not honoring You,
For the times I may have denied You.

For an unbridled tongue
Misrepresenting You;
For words that were spoken
That weren't becoming of You;
Forgive me, Father.

For the lies and deceit
causing good relationships to go bad.
For not forgiving
And not giving
For judging
And not loving
Forgive me Father.

For just talking and not listening
For receiving answers to my questions and not obeying
For being irresponsible over all you’ve given me
The gifts and talents and all of the provisions.
Forgive me.

And, thank you.

Thank you, John (Thursday, August 6, 2009, 7:45 a.m.)

. . .for being so open and honest about who you are and where you are and where you've been. Thank you for letting me in and and for being uninhibited about sharing pieces of your soul and heart. You are helping me to grow and know who I am. Thank you for challenging me to be and become and to push past the limitations You truly are an instrument of God’s peace and I will cherish the times we spend together. Your baby sister always. . .
P.S. I'm looking forward to that white Christmas!

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

First Layer

Wednesday, July 29, 2009; 5:25 a.m.
Everything God created, every living thing, was created to worship Him. Plants, animals, birds, people, everything living was given life to worship God the Creator.

For me it’s a mandate, a call on my life. It is the first layer on the blank canvas of nothingness I created. W O R S H I P G O D ! He simply wants me to worship Him with my being; with my life. OUTLOUD! It is the first order of importance and will serve as the foundation to my genesis with Him. That’s it. That’s my focus. Right now it is the purpose He has on my life. I am to simply worship Him.

My only question is how does worshipping Him with my life look outloud? I only know singing; He wants my life! How does that look? How will I know I'm doing it?

I will draw nigh to Him and follow His instruction. I will listen and I will do exactly what He tells me to do. Today I am beginning the second part of my summer journey with that in mind. The majority of my travel will be alone and my first stop will be the family reunion. I will listen and I will do exactly what He tells me to do.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

The Split

Thursday, July 23, 2009; 1:48 a.m.

Therman and I have been traveling together, side by side, since July 5th. We have been all over the place and in most places he has provided a little bit of history to make it that more interesting. We have been in Chicago at Gen and Steve's since Tuesday afternoon. Today we split up.

He leaves for Utah at 2:00 p.m.; I fly out Friday for the weekend to sing at a wedding and attend a birthday celebration. We meet back in Chicago next week for the family reunion, but our travel together ends today.

Through our conversations we have shared our lives with one another. . .stories and information about our childhood that neither of us were aware of; and rightly so. I was born in 1959. . .he left the house in 1963 or 64 to attend the armed services, college, travel, and eventually live in another state. So we really just got aqcuainted with each other as brother and sister, and from that became friends. Really good friends. We also shared our reasons for the paths we've taken to be where we are now and the similarities in what we want out of life. And basically that is to just live out our remaining years as open and as freely as possible. We're committed to it.

I'm gonna miss those conversation and the laughter and just "being" with each other. I've learned soooo much from him. By no means is it over--we will continue to converse and laugh and "be" with each other, and we WILL travel together again. But for the next 2-3 weeks of this travel period I will be on my own. It certainly won't be the same. I'm gonna miss him.

What will I remember most? The first night we were in Connecticut at Ronnie and Jacqui's, we were sitting out on the terrace in their back yard. It was late. A beautiful night. We were just in awe of how good things were going and we were present to our own contentment and inner peace. It was like we were seeing or experiencing life for the first time and we were just happy to be right where we were right then. And then, at a sudden moment, we both, at the same time, became witness to God's presence and glory and magnificence. Together we felt Him just consume the air we were breathing. I almost felt myself gasp as though I had been holding my breath and was now released to breathe. I said, "Wow, I am so present with God right now!" He said, "Me, too." And after a moment of what I would describe as a holy silence he whispered, "Hallelujah, Janice." And it stayed silent. It was a powerful moment.

I love you, Therman.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Today in Stamford, Part II




And the choice is “c”. . . brunch at the Half Moon in the state of New York! Right on the Hudson River. Beautiful. Breathtaking. I just sat and took it all in. In the far distance I could see the Empire State Building which let me know Manhattan was not far away. (Far enough, though!) We ate and laughed and talked. On the way home we drove through Greenwich (pronounced “Grin-itch”) which is a ritzy, upper-class, area of Connecticut. Kennedy (my great niece) attends the Greenwich Academy, an all girls’ school. Kennedy’s in the 7th grade now! (We missed her and Tyler (great nephew) this trip. She’s spending the summer with her grandmother in Vallejo, CA and he’s attending summer school in Europe!!!) Greenwich Academy is Pre-K through high school and each grade level only takes 15 students! (Grades 5-8 is considered middle school and 9-12 is high school. They refer to high school as “upper”) When we got home Jacqui and I reclined on the couch and watched Marley and Me. The 3rd floor went completely untouched. (sigh)

Tomorrow we leave Stamford and head towards Chicago. We have a 3 hour stop in Washington, D.C. and we should arrive in Chicago sometime Tuesday.

Today in Stamford

Ronnie and Jacqui have an exercise facility on the 3rd floor of their home (Yes, third floor!). It is a mini gym. . . a personal trainer's dream!! The floor is complete with everything you need. . . treadmill, elyptical machine (I don't know how to spell it), free weights and a bench, an ab rocker, a t.v. AND a massage chair! It is amazing!! Now you would think that with alll of the food I've been consuming I would be making my way to that floor right about now. It's a few steps above me. There is absolutely no excuse. I could then go for a walk in this T.V. Land neighborhood!!! It's beautiful and peaceful. And everyone smiles at you. (At night, their house literally lights up the corner of Skyview and Blueberry and Pond. You gotta see it to believe it!) So, what do I do? It's five 'til ten. Should I a)put on some tennis shoes and go up stairs? or b) go walking? None of the above. Ronnie just knocked on the door and told me to be ready by 10:15 for brunch. Nooooooo problem!

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Dear Therman. . .

It’s Friday morning, July, 17, 2009, 9:30 a.m. We’ve just boarded the Amtrak bound for Wilmington, Delaware to see Angela and her family. I’m snuggling in a seat in front of you next to a window and I suddenly feel soooo happy. So much so that my eyes fill with water. I turn to my left to look out the window and I see nothing but teeth!! My teeth grinning back at me confirming how happy I am! It’s at that moment that I realize how glad I am that you’re here; ‘cause I don’t think this journey would be happening if you weren’t. Thank you for coming home.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Leaving the South




Sunday, July 12, 2009

It’s early Sunday morning. . .somewhere between 4 and 5 a.m. Georgia time.
Monday evening we leave the south headed for the east coast. I’ve never been on the east coast so I’m excited about going; but I’m sad to be leaving the south.
I flew in July 3 for a 20 hour stay in San Antonio, Texas. I loved and enjoyed every minute of it. Being in the company of the Cushman’s is always a special treat. There was so much food and laughter and love. So much love. We were all “home”. . . there were no guests. Time was appointed for worship and prayer. And we did. We worshipped and we prayed. As the prophets in the house were led to do so, a word was given to whoever was being prayed for. I believe everyone got their need(s) met. I did. There was a defining moment for me. Yeah, that was definitely the highlight. (I’ll share more on that later)

The evening of July 5 I met up with Therman in New Orleans, Louisiana via Amtrak’s Sunset Limited. (My first train ride is another story in and of itself.) We spent the entire day (July 6) just hanging out. Me and Therman, in New Orleans, just hanging out. That was cool. The night before he promised we’d get coffee first thing in the morning at some place New Orleans was famous for. I was so ready for that. We found our way from the Parc St. Charles Hotel to our destination using the map he picked upt—or so I thought that’s how we found our way. I learned later that Therman’s method of finding his way is to walk in the direction that “feels right” making turns or back tracking as he is led to do so. Surprisingly it works!! We found the famous Café du Monde and landed right in the middle of the French Quarter and French Marketplace with just one “back track”, one “go straight” and one “right turn”! Using this method of his, he also found a corner expresso bar and café (The Envie) to hang out at while waiting for me to shop. I met him there at the end of my adventure through the French Market and we sat and talked for 3 or more hours!! We just talked and talked and laughed about any and everything. Whatever came up. There were no awkward moments. When we were quiet, we sat and enjoyed just being where we were. The rain was coming down, people were walking by having their own New Orleans experience, and we just sat soaking it all. I was in the moment. I felt it. . . I was present to it. It was serene. I’ll never forget that time together.

In the midst of all of that a student from Long Beach Poly High School quietly walked up, stood in front of me, and said, “Hi Ms. Valentine.” I had to stop and remember where I was!! Imagine that! She was with her parents, cousin, and aunt and uncle whom I had never met, and all of them went to Poly as well. And the uncle knew Herman and I think the aunt mentioned Mildred and Harold because they used to live, I believe, across from them on Delta!!! C’mon now. So there we were, a group of Poly Jackrabbits, on a street corner in New Orleans, Louisiana, celebrating our common ground and having a ball!

They left to resume their activities and Therman and I sat there a while longer before deciding we were hungry, or just needed to eat something. Again Therman led the way and we ended up at an outdoor place (I forget the name) and listened to the live jazz sounds of “Nawlin’s”. We ended the evening getting snacks for our 12+ hour train ride to Atlanta, Georgia the next day. I’ll always remember that time together.

Upon leaving New Orleans we were supposed to spend a couple of days in Birmingham, Alabama but as it turned out it just wasn’t an opportune time; so that gave us two extra days in Georgia. McDonough, Georgia. Henry County. We roomed with our niece Jaha in the house that Richard built. A tranquil oasis.

Aside from the orchestra of crickets at night it’s so quiet and peaceful. I managed to stop and just “be”. There were moments I was so present with God, the Holy Spirit, that I had to just stop and offer worship to Him. Here, at this segment of my journey, I was able to stay present to space I created for myself and DAILY remind myself of the purpose of this trip. On Monday we head for the east coast but I’m going to miss the south. I am cleansed and restored and revitalized because of my time spent in the south. It was a memorable beginning.

My Genesis

I have resolved to start the second half of my life from nothing. I have made peace with myself and my past and, as a result, I have created space to have a sort of genesis with God. It’s like I’ve created this blank canvas in my soul or my inner being that is void of expectations and limitations, disapproval. . .hang ups. . . unforgiveness. . .and I am so present to it. It brings with it such a peace and calmness that frees me up to just be. . . to live, breathe, and have my being in Him as the scripture says. I get it now!! I finally get it!! And God must really be excited ‘cause now He’s free to do what He’s been trying to do in and for my life!. Amazing.

So until God gives further notice, I’m just going to dwell in this space of “nothingness” I’ve created for myself. I like it alot!