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I’m feeling at peace this evening. . .I cooked a meal, t.v.’s off, responding to a few text messages, sipping some ginger tea, thankful, happy, full, my soul is quiet/calm—at rest . . . I am home—within—on the inside.  I am home.  (Big exhale. . .)

My Bad

I thought he wanted the same thing. He made me believe he wanted the same thing, or maybe I wanted to believe he wanted the same thing. Really, Janice?? There were signs from the very beginning!! Signs showing that he did not fit the profile of my “lovemate”. Yet I pushed forward –out of eagerness and anxiousness (if that’s a word)—I pushed forward hoping that he was the one. How easily I fell back into my same old ways—seeing every man with the right height, build, and with a job as a potential mate. (shake my head. . .) And I attached myself so quickly because I thought. . . I let my spiritual radar down long enough to reason. And now my heart is sad and my feelings are hurt and my list of grief and shame goes on and on, but why give it any more energy than I already have. (shake my head. .. ) I really thought he was going to be the one.

I believe God allows things to happen to see if we really mean what we say and pray for. This experience was one of those things that needed to happen I guess. I need to get back to The Garden, my place of refuge, and lick my wound with forgiveness and love until a scab appears. *sigh*

. . . I decided long ago/never to walk in anyone’s shadow.
If I fail. . . if I succeed. . . at least I’ll live as I BELIEVE
No matter what they take from me; they can’t take away my dignity!

Because the great-est, love of all
Is happening to me.
I’ve found the great-est, love of all,
Inside of me.

The greatest love, of all
Is easy to achieve
Learning to love, yourself; it is the greatest, love of all

And if by chance that special place
That you’ve been dreaming of
Leads you to a lonely place
Find your strength in love!

Whitney Houston

On Saturday, February 11, 2012, while dressing to enter into a loving covenant with myself, I learned Whitney Houston died. I was stunned! I remember when I first heard the news of her marriage to Bobbi Brown and her drug addiction. I was stunned then, too. And I remember praying for her. . ..really on my knees interceding for her, that she would find her way back to herself. . .her truth and faith. I remember praying for her deliverance from the abuse and healing in her gift.

It was a strange feeling. . . maybe somewhat ironic?, that on the evening I finally decide to make an “outloud” declaration to love myself, the woman with “the voice” who belted out “Greatest Love of All” would die. I wanted to pay tribute to her and sing just a verse of the song, but the ceremony didn’t permit it. It’s been a week since her death, her funeral service was this past Saturday and streamed live on CNN. I can’t believe she’s gone. At 48, gone. Her musical gift was unlike any I’ve ever heard. And she was beautiful. There was just something special about her.

Andrew says I remind him of her before her drug addiction. He says she was “genuine in her approach to life.” He said he didn’t want to tell me that ‘cause he didn’t want me to take that the wrong way or be offended." Why would I be offended?? Unless I’m missing something, I actually think it’s an honor. I LOVED Whitney. . . the bitch in her and all! She was real AND still loved God!! She was just a baaaad bitch!! No one can touch her! Andrew says we all have our “drugs” and that’s so true. I call them demons. Mine weren’t/aren’t as apparent as drug addiction. By the end of 2011 one “demon” in particular had beat me down; but I was able to fight and come up out of my suffering and find my way to a place of restoration and healing. I believe Whitney’s was about to get the best of her . . . again. God had to call her to home to free her .

Rest in peace beautiful, gifted woman.

Nothing Left Undone

About 30 minutes ago, it dawned on me that I didn’t say my vows last night!! I was in distress about it! So I decided to stand on the porch and just say them outloud into the universe. Then I decided to put my dress back on and stand on the porch and say them outloud. That turned into taking the decorated mirror outside, putting on lipstick, calling Lionell and asking him to “come right now” to take a picture of me saying my vows. He didn’t know why he was coming, he just willingly came. Not only did he take the picture that captured the pure essence of last night’s ceremony, he videotaped it!!! I asked MyLove, “why was I allowed to go without saying my vows last night? People should have heard my vows!” The vows are for me, not “the people”. Had I said them last night I wouldn’t have had the need to say them today and the picture and moment would have gone unrealized. Today was raw and in the moment; a true and authentic declaration to yourself and the universe. And it has now been established.

MyLove has established so much in the universe to be poured out on me. I declare and decree this day that my heart is open to receive it. I am open to receive all of it. His miracles--demonstrative of His love--will overwhelm me. I'm looking forward--heart and eyes wide open!

I's Married Now!

Last night I wed MYSELF in loving matrimony. It was such a beautiful thing! I was surrounded by about 40 family and friends who witnessed me enter into loving covenant with God and myself—promising to love myself as myself in all of my fabulousness! I know 99.9% of the people were there out of curiosity. But they were there!! And all of them were a part of that moment. I’m asking MyLove for the words and adjectives to describe last night’s ceremony. . .I can’t find words to do it justice. When I placed the ring on my finger I felt empowered! I felt MyLove’s approval! It was an extraordinary evening that has marked a defining moment for me. A paradigm shift. I am so looking forward to MyLove showing me how to love myself, cause I don’t have a clue! And maybe that’s where He wants me, cause then I can stay out of the box with my demonstration of it.

I'm so happy in love right now!