A Day Outloud: September 6, 2009

I’m lonely today. I haven’t felt this way in a very, very long time. Maybe I’m experiencing separation anxiety. HaHaHa. . .that would be a first. Over the past 2 months, I’ve been around and engaged with more people on a continuous, day to day basis than I have. . .I don’t know. . . since my early 20’s maybe. And now, suddenly, everyone’s. . . gone. And I liked everybody. And I enjoyed so much being around everybody. And the "everybody" was actually family!! Go figure. I enjoyed being around my family. And it was comfortable. Not one time did I wish the day would end or did I want to go and be by myself. I had enough “alone time” at night. . .wherever I slept. .. and that was enough. Amazingly, that was enough. And I just kinda miss being around everybody now. I don’t know why it’s suddenly hitting me today. I feel sad. Not depressed, just sad. And lonely.

And I wish I had my parent’s house to go to and stay the night tonight. I don’t want to go anywhere else; I just want my parent’s house to go to. With your parents you don’t have to ask if it’s ok to come by or go in the fridge or stay the night or wash or just hang out cause you wanna just hang out. . . anywhere in the house. It’s mama and daddy’s house! It’s always ok. At least it was for me. And I miss that more than anything. . . just having them there and having their house to go. Just being able to put my key in the door and be home. More than that, though, I wish I had daddy here to know him like my siblings have described him. I wish I had my daddy here to talk to about stuff. .. about things I’ve done and what to do next. I’d go over to the house right now and go out in the backyard where he would most likely be and do like Valarie did. . .just be present with him. Or I’d sit on the couch next to the chair he’d most likely be sitting in and watch television with him. . . or maybe even ask him to show me how to play checkers or chess. I don’t really like games but he did and that give us something in common. Or maybe I would just ask him questions. . . random questions.. .to listen to him talk. Yeah. . . And somewhere in the midst of all of that he would hear me say something that’s on my heart and give me advice. Like daddy’s are supposed to do. . .

I don’t know where all of this is coming from but it’s a bit overwhelming today. In times past I’ve been able to crawl into the arms of God and find comfort and security but today. . . I don’t know. Emotions overtake me and it’s hard to settle. Maybe my quest to understand why I prefer men over women as friends has opened the door to these feelings. I don’t know. I just know I have a need to be parented right through here.

And what the hell does it mean when people say “home is where the heart is.”?