A Day Outloud: September 7, 2009

It Labor Day. Summer is officially over. Back to work tomorrow.

I spent the day alone. I woke up thinking about my relationships and why I’m always alone. I wanted to call two of my male friends but I knew it was best not to call either one of them. The two of them keep me on an emotional roller coaster probably because they are the two that I went beyond sheer intimacy with. It’s been weeks since I’ve spoken with either one and, at this point, it’s best that I continue to not talk to them. One of them I know probably wouldn’t answer his phone anyway and the other one. . .well we’d probably find something to disagree about and end up hanging up on a bad note. No, I need to be where I am right now. . .alone with myself. With my emotions and feelings. Something’s happening and I need to not fight it. Today I was led to my journal entries from Landmark and was reminded of the work I did. On the flight home from Philadelphia I was brought back to the work I did in Landmark---the conversation that I had with Valarie about my relationships (men vs women) had to be at the tail end of our time together because I needed to process on my own—so that I could be reminded—so that I could review what I learned —so that I could be present with myself and my own thoughts, without interference. The end of the sour trip to Las Vegas last weekend also brought me back to the work I did in Landmark. It ended the way it did because I wasn’t being “authentic”; I had time to think about that on the bus ride home.

I’ve never longed for my dad. . .I didn’t even have a relationship with the man. But i believe its all relative. I don’t want the work I’ve done (through Landmark) to stop or be for naught. I became complete with my past and created the possibility of living my life authentically—with my God, myself, and in my relationships. I gave possibility to become and be and choose the life I want for myself. I’m cleaning up—old wounds, suppressed emotions—and I’m starting over.
Unfortunately it's not going to be easy. Nor pain free.