Daddy

His birthday was this month—September 8. He would have been 92 years old. Nowadays the age of ninety-two isn’t old; had his mind been right and had he had a desire for life, he could still be alive I think. For the past few days, maybe weeks now, he's been on my mind. I’ve thought about him and what our relationship could have been like. In my eyes he was a miserable man, he didn’t like me, and he didn’t care whether I came or went. Learning the story about mama and “Mr. Barnett” validated these feelings and helped me to conclude that he didn’t like me because I wasn’t his; and he knew it! But Therman Willis Davis is the only man I’ve known as dad. Whether he is biologically my dad or not, he is the only man I’ve known to call my father. And so for the past few weeks I’ve longed for him, my father, and recently have been having conversations with him in my head.

It’s kind of weird because I feel like I’m establishing a relationship with him. I feel like he’s thinking about me, too.. . .like somehow my curiosity about what our relationship could have been like has reached heaven and I have his attention. And I feel love coming from him. Real love from my father. A daddy’s love. I close my eyes and I have a vision of us sitting and talking. Mostly me talking; he’s listening and answering any questions I have. But we’re communicating. His voice is calm and comforting and his answers are reassuring. I feel like a little girl. . .really safe and glad he’s my daddy. Proud he’s my daddy ‘cause he knows everything. And I wish he were here. I just need him so much right now.

Dear Lord . . .

This has been the most amazing summer of my life and I have you to thank. I asked and You made it possible. You provided more than I could have ever imagined! From the west to the south to the east to the Midwest, I couldn’t have asked for more. I enjoyed everything about it—the trains, planes, busses, cars, taxis, my family, the people, the food, the weather, the conversations, the food—everything! Thank you so much. Everywhere I was, You were. . .and you made me know it! Forever I will love You and worship You and share You “outloud” with others. You mean everything to me.

A Day Outloud: September 7, 2009

It Labor Day. Summer is officially over. Back to work tomorrow.

I spent the day alone. I woke up thinking about my relationships and why I’m always alone. I wanted to call two of my male friends but I knew it was best not to call either one of them. The two of them keep me on an emotional roller coaster probably because they are the two that I went beyond sheer intimacy with. It’s been weeks since I’ve spoken with either one and, at this point, it’s best that I continue to not talk to them. One of them I know probably wouldn’t answer his phone anyway and the other one. . .well we’d probably find something to disagree about and end up hanging up on a bad note. No, I need to be where I am right now. . .alone with myself. With my emotions and feelings. Something’s happening and I need to not fight it. Today I was led to my journal entries from Landmark and was reminded of the work I did. On the flight home from Philadelphia I was brought back to the work I did in Landmark---the conversation that I had with Valarie about my relationships (men vs women) had to be at the tail end of our time together because I needed to process on my own—so that I could be reminded—so that I could review what I learned —so that I could be present with myself and my own thoughts, without interference. The end of the sour trip to Las Vegas last weekend also brought me back to the work I did in Landmark. It ended the way it did because I wasn’t being “authentic”; I had time to think about that on the bus ride home.

I’ve never longed for my dad. . .I didn’t even have a relationship with the man. But i believe its all relative. I don’t want the work I’ve done (through Landmark) to stop or be for naught. I became complete with my past and created the possibility of living my life authentically—with my God, myself, and in my relationships. I gave possibility to become and be and choose the life I want for myself. I’m cleaning up—old wounds, suppressed emotions—and I’m starting over.
Unfortunately it's not going to be easy. Nor pain free.

A Day Outloud: September 6, 2009

I’m lonely today. I haven’t felt this way in a very, very long time. Maybe I’m experiencing separation anxiety. HaHaHa. . .that would be a first. Over the past 2 months, I’ve been around and engaged with more people on a continuous, day to day basis than I have. . .I don’t know. . . since my early 20’s maybe. And now, suddenly, everyone’s. . . gone. And I liked everybody. And I enjoyed so much being around everybody. And the "everybody" was actually family!! Go figure. I enjoyed being around my family. And it was comfortable. Not one time did I wish the day would end or did I want to go and be by myself. I had enough “alone time” at night. . .wherever I slept. .. and that was enough. Amazingly, that was enough. And I just kinda miss being around everybody now. I don’t know why it’s suddenly hitting me today. I feel sad. Not depressed, just sad. And lonely.

And I wish I had my parent’s house to go to and stay the night tonight. I don’t want to go anywhere else; I just want my parent’s house to go to. With your parents you don’t have to ask if it’s ok to come by or go in the fridge or stay the night or wash or just hang out cause you wanna just hang out. . . anywhere in the house. It’s mama and daddy’s house! It’s always ok. At least it was for me. And I miss that more than anything. . . just having them there and having their house to go. Just being able to put my key in the door and be home. More than that, though, I wish I had daddy here to know him like my siblings have described him. I wish I had my daddy here to talk to about stuff. .. about things I’ve done and what to do next. I’d go over to the house right now and go out in the backyard where he would most likely be and do like Valarie did. . .just be present with him. Or I’d sit on the couch next to the chair he’d most likely be sitting in and watch television with him. . . or maybe even ask him to show me how to play checkers or chess. I don’t really like games but he did and that give us something in common. Or maybe I would just ask him questions. . . random questions.. .to listen to him talk. Yeah. . . And somewhere in the midst of all of that he would hear me say something that’s on my heart and give me advice. Like daddy’s are supposed to do. . .

I don’t know where all of this is coming from but it’s a bit overwhelming today. In times past I’ve been able to crawl into the arms of God and find comfort and security but today. . . I don’t know. Emotions overtake me and it’s hard to settle. Maybe my quest to understand why I prefer men over women as friends has opened the door to these feelings. I don’t know. I just know I have a need to be parented right through here.

And what the hell does it mean when people say “home is where the heart is.”?

A Day Outloud: September 5, 2009

I was tired when I woke up this morning ‘cause I didn't rest well due to the heat. It was soo hot last night. When I opened my eyes I realized I had finally slept; and I just laid there staring at the ceiling. I didn't want to read, pray, or do anything. . .I didn’t want to disturb my body temperature, my hormones (those f**kin’ “private” summers). . . I just wanted to enjoy the coolness. So I turned on the television. . .

There was a McDonald’s commercial on. I'm not sure how I was suddenly so enticed but I succumbed to the invite and busted out of the house to buy a breakfast deluxe! I rationalized it being the perfect solution to not turning on any heat in my duplex. I couldn't have been more wrong. And it’s not like I didn't already know! A man ate McDonalds for 30 days and gained 2+ pounds a day!!! The food is crap! What was I thinking??? (Apparently I wasn't). Dang.

I was void of television all while I vacationed and didn’t miss it at all. I didn’t sleep to the television and I didn’t wake up to it. I was fine without it. I read and I journaled and I was up everyday enjoying being present with me and my surroundings. So why can’t I do that here. At home. In California. What’s different? There are things to do here. There are places to go. There are people to hang out with and be around. Why am I falling back into those old habits? Cause it’s hot as hell. And I would have to drive to get where I need to go! Maybe if my car had air conditioning that would help. But it doesn’t. So it makes any drive, especially across that freeway in the heat, miserable!!

I’ve got to create the possibility of day to day living without the television. I’ve got to establish a life, a routine, right here at home—in California—without it. I was provoked and manipulated by that thing today! McDonald’s?? C’mon now.

Men versus Women

On Sunday, August 23, 2009, my sis-in-love, Valarie, invited me to explore why I prefer men over women as friends, stating (and I paraphrase) that if I don’t resolve or come to an understanding I would end up rejecting an intimate/quality relationship with her or any woman who would want the same. Now mind you, this conversation doesn’t surface until I’m getting out of the car at the airport. We’ve just spent 4 days together—celebrating our fiftieth year on the streets of uptown New York and Pennsylvania—so why on earth would this conversation not surface until now?? If anyone could help me understand “why?” and help me process through my preference of men over women it would be her.

I told her I didn’t know why the preference. She said (as only she can), “If you did know, what would it be?” What the hell??? I had to repeat her question aloud: “If I did know, what would it be.” I guess she could hear in my voice that I didn’t know how to begin answering that question. So she asked another one (as only she would): “What’s the first thing that comes to mind?” “Hmmm.. . Attention!” I belted, and I continued to share that it could have something to do with not getting it (attention) from daddy. She agreed adding the lack of attention from my brothers as well. It didn’t sound or feel right to use this as the possible “reason” for my preference, and she noted that’s why I concluded that I didn’t know. She says often time we use that excuse (“I don’t know!”) when what we’re thinking doesn’t sound or feel like it is or should be the “right” answer. I agree. But I think we also use that excuse when the answer is so right that we don’t want it to be the answer—it’s too embarrassing or painful. Or it evokes an emotion we don’t want to overcome. . . takes us to a place in our souls that we don’t want to be.

As I got out of the car she made it clear that she wanted to stand for our relationship, and was going to call me on it. . . but only for so long. Then she would stop. . .stop if there is no reciprocity. I get it. I understand. But my fear? I don’t know that we agree on what the relationship will look like for us. What are the expectations? She knows that as a result of my experience through Landmark I’m transforming, but I’ve only walked in my transformation as “Janice on vacation”. I haven’t added work and church and my day to day routines yet. That piece won’t filter in until September. So what if I fall off the “transformation” wagon. What then? And now we’re leaving each other with only the phone to uncover it all. Damn.

On the flight home it was all I could think about. Why do I prefer men over women as friends?? I’m sure it does have something to do with attention—I guess I like having all of it on me. I get what I want (from men) and most times (in the relationship) I get to be right. I run my racket and getting what I want becomes the payoff (revelation gained from attending Landmark). And I can have an intimacy with men that I can’t have with women. Not sex, i n t i m a c y!! And that piece of it may stem from what took place in my childhood—I was taught how to be sensuous with a man—with my body, my hands, and lips—without engaging in sex. . . or rather intercourse.

And men like that attention. . . which in turn gets me their full attention. I’m able to hold hands and lay close and feel like or be treated like a female, a woman. I’m protected and adored. I’m hugged and loved on. So we both benefit. I don’t have to concern myself with engaging in or holding a stimulating conversation—which I feel is my weakness. Conversation becomes secondary. I capitalize on what I’m good at. . .and what I’m good at I can only do with men. . . so men become my preference.

With women. . . hmmm, women. I don’t know. I really don’t know. At this point Valarie would ask, “What’s the first thing that comes to mind?” And my response would be, “Competition.” But that’s as far as I can go right now. I can’t think about any more right now.

A Day Outloud: September 1, 2009

Ahhh, September. Freshmen Orientation was today. The class of 2013! I feel I did my best job ever this year training the Link Facilitators; and they, in turn did an exceptional job training the Link Leaders. I love training and preparing people for a job or work. That’s what I want to do. I want a job, a high paying job, training folks for work. Employment. That’s what I set out to do—train women (I guess men, too) in office skills and customer services—but I ended up in special education. All good though cause I wouldn’t have the teaching or pedagogic skills I now have. So it’s all good. All things working together for good. . .cause I love God. . . and I have purpose. Maybe I should look into Human Resources. But I still only want to work 9 months out of the year. Hmmm. . . .

I still don't know what imma do for my birthday.