Question to Self

. . . ok so one more thing.  The question I am going to bed with. . .or rather shutting down this night with is, "What does it really mean to "live outloud"?"  I mean really??  For me.  What do I want "living outloud" to look like on me?  Janice.  JaniceOmega! What is I want to do and what am I doing that's stopping me from doing it?  What's really holding me back?  Am I afraid of what people might think or say?  Is it my age?  Am I afraid I'm too old?  Am I afraid of losing the "security" that I do have?  Or the independence?  What am I afraid of?? WHAT AM I AFRAID OF??? Maybe I'm afraid of making a huge mistake. . . of losing the little bit that i DO have.  To lose is to gain, or so I've been told.  I wish that after Landmark in 2009 I could have stayed on my quest to freedom.  Landmark was the first step and I failed to follow through.  I had to return to work and that "someone's life" tripped me up.  AGAIN!!

I don't know why I've decided to put all of this yuck on blog.  It just made sense to do this way tonight.  And I need to keep on doing it--even when it doesn't make sense.  Maybe this is where I begin to "live outloud"; with the thoughts emanating from my spirit. . .my inner being.  Maybe this will give them life and cause them to germinate and come forth.  Something's happening.  Not sure what yet, but something's happening.  I know there are people out there that hope I never get "it" cause they know that if I do I will be a badassbitch!! In a good way. :)

Maybe this summer I will do a trail run; a hypothetical "poof, be gone".  I will get in my car, drive to Sacramento State, and tell them I'm new to the area and I'm looking for work.  See what happens.  I don't know what the draw is north. . . maybe I conjured it up in my spirit or maybe God dropped it there.  I don't know.  I'm feeling really anxious though.  Something needs to change.