Silent Refuge

An excerpt from Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert:

"Yogic sages say that all the pain of a human life is caused by words, as is the joy. We create words to define our experience and those words bring attendant emotions that jerk us around like dogs on a leash. We get seduced by our own mantras (I'm a failure. . . I'm lonely. . . I'm a failure. . . I'm lonely. . .) and we become monuments to them. To stop talking for a while, then is to attempt to strip away the power of words, to stop choking ourselves with words, to liberate ourselves from our suffocating mantras."

So today I am moved to be silent and present with my thoughts. Not just alone, but silent and present to the thoughts that are swimming around in my head. No outside noise (i.e. the t.v. or singing or talking to myself,), no words, NO FACEBOOK (OMG!!)OR BLACKBERRY!! Just me and my thoughts. And this is what I've discovered so far (since 7:53 this morning; it's now 10:01 a.m.). . . IT's LOUD IN HERE!!! And maybe I'm blogging to relieve some of the pressure!! It's not easy to think about your thoughts(I think the formal term is metacognition, the process of thinking about thinking). Cause all of my thoughts aren't necessarily good thoughts and these thoughts put me in touch with my feelings!! And these feelings don't feel good cause I don't understand why I think and feel this way. So I inquired of the Lord about one "thought" in particular: Jealousy (My spirit quenches even as I type it).

My thoughts in-loud: "Lord why am I so jealous and envious of people? I can't even appreciate who they are and what you've given them for wanting what they have. Why am I like this and where does it come from? How do I not be jealous of others? How do I stop these jealous thoughts from swimming around in my head? I don't want to ignore them any more. I want them to stop! How do I appreciate others for who they are and the lives you've given them to live? How do I extol others more highly than myself and give them the honor/recognition that they deserve? How do I celebrate the happiness of others? How, Fahter, do I let go of the jealous thoughts that I have toward others? The jealousy and the envy? How do I let it go? I even have jealousy of other's relationship with you!! How do I get to root of this and make it stop?"

His response: "LOVE YOURSELF! and the life I've given YOU to live. You are unique unlike anyone I've created on this earth. Forgive yourself. Accept yourself. Be yourself."

My counter-response: I don't know how to do that. I really don't. How do I do that?

His response: "Spend time with me everyday. Stay present with me. I will ALWAYS be "there" with you and for you Just spend time with me. I will show you everything you need to know."

The conversation took place in my head just like that. And I wrote it down. Of course I cried and cried and cried. I'm still crying. But I'm not sad. I'm feeling relieved! Coming face to face with and admitting to the ugly in you, the part that you don't like about you is hard. Embarassing. But liberating at the same time. I'm willing to take whatever risk I have to in order to be liberated from anything that may be holding me back from living the life God has given me to live.

Ok now I need a "thought" break. Can you take a break from your thoughts? Or do your thoughts just shift? All I know is that today, I don't want to escape them or block them out. Today I am silent and present to my thoughts.