Something's Definitely Missing

I haven't been laughing enough.  Some things I need to just let go of and get over.  Some people, too. Cause I haven't been laughing enough.  And I haven't been praying enough.  I just don't know what to do about some things.  Some people, too.  That's how I know that I haven't been praying enough.  And for sure I haven't been "living outloud".  Not at all.  I'm doing everything in life except what I was created to do. And what I enjoy doing.  Explains the bordom and anxiety. Geesh.

I haven't been exercising either.  Not enough.  The fat around my belly, hips and thighs disgust me; yet I continue to eat and eat and eat cause food is just so good!! And comforting.  Thank God I love "healthy" foods!  I'd be a million pounds heavier!! Curling up in a corner on the couch with food is all I have felt like doing when I come home from work.  It's all I have the energy to do.  I need to be up dancing or walking or jogging or Zumba-ing.  Something!  I need to get it together.

I am not miserable. . .even though it may come across as though I am.  But I'm not.  I have less than some and way more than others.  Every need is met and wants are being fulfilled.  I'm healthy.  And happy for the most part.  I guess.  But i am not exceedingly happy.  And I want to be exCEEEEDingly happy.  Cause I deserve to be.

Something is definitely missing.

You are THAT God!

You are the before the beginning God and the after there is none God.

You are the midnight hour and early morning and everything in between God.

You are the righteous and holy and magnificent God.

Fabulous!  

The no-words-can-adequately-describe-You God.

You are victory and hope, miracles and wonders, from everlasting to everlasting.

  You are THAT God!

Protection when I'm fearful,  Peace when I'm agitated, Joy when I'm sorrowful, Love when I self-loathe. . . You are THAT God.

You are the God of Jesus Christ by which all must come to call You "Father" God.

Abba!

You are the Elohim God, the Alpha and Omega God,  Sovereign, Omnipotent, and Mighty God. . . 

The no-one-is-a-match-to-You God.

My before-I-was-and-after-I-am God.  

The while I yet live, move, and have my being God.

Healer, Deliverer, Savior, and Friend God

My Breath of Life.  Daily.

I am glad I know You to be THAT God!

1:54 a.m.

Maybe this whole marriage to myself things has me weirded out.  Maybe I got so close to myself that I found out that I--Janice--am not who I've been portraying myself as.  Or maybe there are two me's.  Maybe even three.  Wow.  That's pretty deep.  Will the Janice you desire to be PLEASE come forward!!

Question to Self

. . . ok so one more thing.  The question I am going to bed with. . .or rather shutting down this night with is, "What does it really mean to "live outloud"?"  I mean really??  For me.  What do I want "living outloud" to look like on me?  Janice.  JaniceOmega! What is I want to do and what am I doing that's stopping me from doing it?  What's really holding me back?  Am I afraid of what people might think or say?  Is it my age?  Am I afraid I'm too old?  Am I afraid of losing the "security" that I do have?  Or the independence?  What am I afraid of?? WHAT AM I AFRAID OF??? Maybe I'm afraid of making a huge mistake. . . of losing the little bit that i DO have.  To lose is to gain, or so I've been told.  I wish that after Landmark in 2009 I could have stayed on my quest to freedom.  Landmark was the first step and I failed to follow through.  I had to return to work and that "someone's life" tripped me up.  AGAIN!!

I don't know why I've decided to put all of this yuck on blog.  It just made sense to do this way tonight.  And I need to keep on doing it--even when it doesn't make sense.  Maybe this is where I begin to "live outloud"; with the thoughts emanating from my spirit. . .my inner being.  Maybe this will give them life and cause them to germinate and come forth.  Something's happening.  Not sure what yet, but something's happening.  I know there are people out there that hope I never get "it" cause they know that if I do I will be a badassbitch!! In a good way. :)

Maybe this summer I will do a trail run; a hypothetical "poof, be gone".  I will get in my car, drive to Sacramento State, and tell them I'm new to the area and I'm looking for work.  See what happens.  I don't know what the draw is north. . . maybe I conjured it up in my spirit or maybe God dropped it there.  I don't know.  I'm feeling really anxious though.  Something needs to change.

Getting all the "ugggg" out!

. . . and so I am sitting here at 11:39 p.m. on Sunday night after a long day without electricity, thinking about how good it was that I didn't have electricity because I was able to do some things and think about some things that I wouldn't have had the television been available.  And one thing for certain is that if "life" is going to happen, it's up to me to see to it happening.  The problem is I just don't know where to begin.  I feel "locked up".  I just noticed my closet.  May I should start with the clothes in my closet.  Throw or give them all away and start over.  Just start over.  Cause that's what I really want to do. . . I want to just start over!! What exactly that means or what it will entail, I don't know.  Maybe I need a life coach.  But I don't wanna pay anyone to tell me what I need to do; I want to somehow come to the agreement myself.  If I had my way and weren't afraid, I would pack up and leave NOW!  Right now.  I'd leave behind all the shit that don't matter cause it really don't matter!! And I would drive until I came to a place. . . no, I would drive until I arrived at Sacramento State University and I would go inside and tell them I need work and want to enroll in school.  And they would ask me where I was from and I would say Colorado.  And they would say, "what brings you to california?" and I would tell them that that I've heard so much about california and the warm weather that I thought it would be a great place to start over.  LOL!!  Crazy talk.  I don't know. . .I'm tripping now.  I'm shutting down because now I'm trippin.  But I'm so serious. .. and this conversation ain't over. . .

UGGGG!!!

I feel like I am living someone else's life and it is hella boring!! It's a good life. . .one that is secure and noble and well-spoken of.  But BORING!!  There's no adventure. No excitement.  No thrill.  Somewhere the salt has lost is savor! The jello has lost it's pudding!!! And I don't know what to do.  Spring break ended today and it's back to work tomorrow.  Ten weeks left.  I DON'T WANNA GO!! I don't hate my job but I don't love it either.  It's a great job and I like what I do, and I am pretty good at what I do.. . . but there's gotta be something else.  There's gotta be a life out there for ME.  The life I am living now is one that I created for that "someone" to live, but that someone ain't "me".  It ain't me.  And something's gotta be done.  Something just has to be done.

Home

I’m feeling at peace this evening. . .I cooked a meal, t.v.’s off, responding to a few text messages, sipping some ginger tea, thankful, happy, full, my soul is quiet/calm—at rest . . . I am home—within—on the inside.  I am home.  (Big exhale. . .)

My Bad

I thought he wanted the same thing. He made me believe he wanted the same thing, or maybe I wanted to believe he wanted the same thing. Really, Janice?? There were signs from the very beginning!! Signs showing that he did not fit the profile of my “lovemate”. Yet I pushed forward –out of eagerness and anxiousness (if that’s a word)—I pushed forward hoping that he was the one. How easily I fell back into my same old ways—seeing every man with the right height, build, and with a job as a potential mate. (shake my head. . .) And I attached myself so quickly because I thought. . . I let my spiritual radar down long enough to reason. And now my heart is sad and my feelings are hurt and my list of grief and shame goes on and on, but why give it any more energy than I already have. (shake my head. .. ) I really thought he was going to be the one.

I believe God allows things to happen to see if we really mean what we say and pray for. This experience was one of those things that needed to happen I guess. I need to get back to The Garden, my place of refuge, and lick my wound with forgiveness and love until a scab appears. *sigh*

. . . I decided long ago/never to walk in anyone’s shadow.
If I fail. . . if I succeed. . . at least I’ll live as I BELIEVE
No matter what they take from me; they can’t take away my dignity!

Because the great-est, love of all
Is happening to me.
I’ve found the great-est, love of all,
Inside of me.

The greatest love, of all
Is easy to achieve
Learning to love, yourself; it is the greatest, love of all

And if by chance that special place
That you’ve been dreaming of
Leads you to a lonely place
Find your strength in love!

Whitney Houston

On Saturday, February 11, 2012, while dressing to enter into a loving covenant with myself, I learned Whitney Houston died. I was stunned! I remember when I first heard the news of her marriage to Bobbi Brown and her drug addiction. I was stunned then, too. And I remember praying for her. . ..really on my knees interceding for her, that she would find her way back to herself. . .her truth and faith. I remember praying for her deliverance from the abuse and healing in her gift.

It was a strange feeling. . . maybe somewhat ironic?, that on the evening I finally decide to make an “outloud” declaration to love myself, the woman with “the voice” who belted out “Greatest Love of All” would die. I wanted to pay tribute to her and sing just a verse of the song, but the ceremony didn’t permit it. It’s been a week since her death, her funeral service was this past Saturday and streamed live on CNN. I can’t believe she’s gone. At 48, gone. Her musical gift was unlike any I’ve ever heard. And she was beautiful. There was just something special about her.

Andrew says I remind him of her before her drug addiction. He says she was “genuine in her approach to life.” He said he didn’t want to tell me that ‘cause he didn’t want me to take that the wrong way or be offended." Why would I be offended?? Unless I’m missing something, I actually think it’s an honor. I LOVED Whitney. . . the bitch in her and all! She was real AND still loved God!! She was just a baaaad bitch!! No one can touch her! Andrew says we all have our “drugs” and that’s so true. I call them demons. Mine weren’t/aren’t as apparent as drug addiction. By the end of 2011 one “demon” in particular had beat me down; but I was able to fight and come up out of my suffering and find my way to a place of restoration and healing. I believe Whitney’s was about to get the best of her . . . again. God had to call her to home to free her .

Rest in peace beautiful, gifted woman.

Nothing Left Undone

About 30 minutes ago, it dawned on me that I didn’t say my vows last night!! I was in distress about it! So I decided to stand on the porch and just say them outloud into the universe. Then I decided to put my dress back on and stand on the porch and say them outloud. That turned into taking the decorated mirror outside, putting on lipstick, calling Lionell and asking him to “come right now” to take a picture of me saying my vows. He didn’t know why he was coming, he just willingly came. Not only did he take the picture that captured the pure essence of last night’s ceremony, he videotaped it!!! I asked MyLove, “why was I allowed to go without saying my vows last night? People should have heard my vows!” The vows are for me, not “the people”. Had I said them last night I wouldn’t have had the need to say them today and the picture and moment would have gone unrealized. Today was raw and in the moment; a true and authentic declaration to yourself and the universe. And it has now been established.

MyLove has established so much in the universe to be poured out on me. I declare and decree this day that my heart is open to receive it. I am open to receive all of it. His miracles--demonstrative of His love--will overwhelm me. I'm looking forward--heart and eyes wide open!

I's Married Now!

Last night I wed MYSELF in loving matrimony. It was such a beautiful thing! I was surrounded by about 40 family and friends who witnessed me enter into loving covenant with God and myself—promising to love myself as myself in all of my fabulousness! I know 99.9% of the people were there out of curiosity. But they were there!! And all of them were a part of that moment. I’m asking MyLove for the words and adjectives to describe last night’s ceremony. . .I can’t find words to do it justice. When I placed the ring on my finger I felt empowered! I felt MyLove’s approval! It was an extraordinary evening that has marked a defining moment for me. A paradigm shift. I am so looking forward to MyLove showing me how to love myself, cause I don’t have a clue! And maybe that’s where He wants me, cause then I can stay out of the box with my demonstration of it.

I'm so happy in love right now!

NO MORE REPLAYS

I can't try to duplicate or repeat what was with the same affect. From here on out, I will embrace each day with its new message and lessons all of its own. A discovery of its own. I will treat each day as a new day. A new day to learn, grow, discover, create, imagine, dream, love, appreciate, and. . . embrace. A new day to "be" me. .. wholly and completely. Fear free, doubt free, complication free, drama free... It sounds like something you just do naturally but I'm learning I have to think "new" for "new" to exist.

I will see the beauty, the beauty of God in everything. I will worship Him for everything. . .new miracles, new relationships. . ."heavenly places, heavenly places" as Jason Upton would put it. Just NO MORE REPLAYS. No more going back trying to capture or recapture something that was. It's a new day. And Imma embrace IT.

FLYYYYY. . . just, FLYYYYY. . .

"Time to spread out your wings and. . . flyyyyyy." Jason Upton's "Fly" has been my daily worship for the past couple of days. His high pitched voice worships from a place that is accompanied by angels in "heavenly places. . . heavenly places". I love the song. It's keeping me in "this place" that has me focused on what I want and what I need to do. It's a spiritual place on auto-pilot, one that maintains conversation with God while the flesh functions in its day to day operations. I can't leave this place. I can't go back. And I've been "here" before but this time I'm cognizant of the process and I must follow through. Stay committed. Embrace it tighter and tighter. Hunger for it (the outcome) more than anything else. "Gotta have new ears, new ears. . .what are you doing, where are you going, . . . God wants to take you to new places, new places, new revelation, new perspective. .. ariel view. . . God has given you the air, so. . . flyyyyyy."

I'm in Chicago on the first leg of summer vacation. It's not the same as summer 2009. Summer 2009 served its purpose. I'm past it. I realize I created space for this summer in an effort to "repeat" summer 2009. It can't be repeated. There was an anointing on that summer for things to take place to catapult me to the next phase and beyond. "New places. . .new places. . . " It's time to fly and soar and breathe the air God has given me with a new set of lungs! I'm ready.

Sunday, April 11, 2011, 6:12 a.m.

A friend told me that "Sometimes we start swinging and there ain't even a fight going on." So true. Sometimes we can be so paranoid or rather insecure that we're quick to defend and throw punches that are unwarranted. I'm learning to clarify by asking people what they mean by their statements. And most times it's nothing near what I was thinking they meant. I was making up stuff. . . the worse stuff. Why do I do that and where did I get that from? What's worse, is I'll try to convince someone that they meant something other than what they told me!! I won't believe them and I'll say things like, "I know you really meant such in such, you just don't want to tell me." or even worse "I can tell you're lying!" People HATE being called a liar, ESPECIALLY when they're telling the truth. I know I do. I'm working on trusting what people tell me to be true. I'm learning that it hurts people when I don't. It shouldn't be until I've learned that they have indeed lied that I not trust them. I think alot.

Catchin' Up

In the words of Marvin Gaye: "What's goin' on. . . what's goin' on. . . It's been a cool minute since I've celebrated life on this page. Let's see. . .I'm still teaching at Poly; next school year will mark my 10th year! (uh oh!!) A week ago I retured to school to clear my credential as an education specialist and get a master's in teaching with a specialization in special education. It's an on-line program with National University. If all goes well, I'll qualify for the teach grant and finish the program owing nothing. Well, I'll owe the loan money that I'll use for personal stuff, but that won't be much. It's only 10 classes so my plan is to be done next year. I'm back at Zoe Christian Fellowship, a little over a year now. That's going well. Regardless of all that has gone on and knowing I could be somewhere else that's "better", Zoe is where I'm supposed to be right now. How long? I'm not questioning it. I'm just gonna be where I'm at until it changes. In February, I met a dude through a "mutual friend". (We met on the Internet on one of those "meetpeople" sites and because the friendship was so immediate, we're saying we met via a mutual friend. . . God!). He lives in another state, he's 7 years older (but looks a little older), he's a minister, he makes me laugh and treats me good. I visited him last month for 3 days; we had a great time. He took me to hear the cool jazz sounds of Branford Marsalis and Terence Blanchard Marcelis, we went to the movies to see "Paul", we attended church, hung out laughing and talking and eating and just having a good time. He's flying me out to visit him again at the end of this month. He likes me more than I like him. . . right now anyway. One day at a time; I just want to enjoy the present. I don't want to mess things up but thinking about where things might go or can't go or won't go. . .I just want to enjoy right now. Right now is good. Really, good. So yeah. . .

I want to start blogging again. . .I've been journaling consistently since November. Everyday, up at 4:30, pen in hand. So maybe I can add some of those thoughts here. One thing that's been disturbing me lately is how we are seemingly taking God's grace for granted. We seem to be living our lives under the umbrella of "God loves us" thereby giving ourselves permission to be and do "us". I think we're crossing the lines. I'm speaking specifically of a friend. I questioned an area of his life and he told me "children are corrected; adults are convicted by the Holy Spirit". Well that shut my mouth, and led to number 31 of "50 Things I know for Sure": What the Holy Spirit convicts ME of may not necessary bring conviction in the lives of others. STAY IN YOUR LANE!

I'm out.

Yesterday's Silence

I broke my mental solitude at 3pm by turning on the t.v. to one of those court shows. But I remained on silent mode and stayed away from FB and the Blackberry ‘till about 5pm. This was a good day and I must incorporate more of these days into my lifestyle.

The final 3 or so hours were spent entertaining random thoughts that came and went, ultimately leading me to make a list of all of the things I want or want to do:

I want to: exercise 3 times a week/cook my own foods/spend more time in prayer and worship/be available for others when they need me or just need my presence/juice regularly/shop/journal regularly/tithe, give, save, invest, and spend/ . . .

The list went on and on, until finally I asked the Lord, how do I create space to do all that I want to do? His response was quick (gotta love Him!):

“First of all” He says, “begin by changing your “I want” to "I will":, I will cook my own foods, I will spend more time in prayer and worship. . .Next, begin each day with Me and end every night with Me; and I will tell you how to do everything you’re wanting to do.” I’m good with that.

So the year is off to a good start. Yesterday was a really good day. Silence gets you in touch with your inner voice and you enter into the spiritual realm where you find clarity and answers to your questions. In my case today, immediate answers. Will it always be like that? Maybe not. But I believe He'll always give me an answer. It may not be the full answer at the time, but I am certain He’ll give me what I need to hold on until I’m ready for full disclosure.

"I will trust in the Lord with all my heart leaning not to my own understanding. In all my ways I will acknowledge Him, confident that He will direct my path"

Silent Refuge (cont'd)

I got up after that first blog and swept the floor. I didn’t know what else to do. Normally or routinely I turn on the television or check my Blackberry for FB postings. As I swept I tried to think about what I should be thinking about. I got nothing. Then the word “honesty’ came to mind. Oh, Lord, pleeease don’t make me think about honesty and my lack thereof. Maybe not honesty so much but integrity. Yes, integrity. I definitely lack integrity. Landmark defines integrity as “creating a relationship to word as the source of designing a life of workability, freedom, and possibility.” Ok, more simply stated, integrity is “a state of being whole and complete; honoring your word as yourself.” I didn’t finish the Integrity Seminar so I'm not aware of the work they have you do to come true to that struggle. It was during the summer and I was more committed to my travel. Perhaps I can return his summer? I’m supposed to go to the Bahamas but I’m finding now that I don’t want to go. I want to be alone. And see this is what happens: I tell people I’m going to do stuff and then I renege. I plan to do things with people and then I find or come up with some excuse or lie (if we’re really going to be honest here) as to why I can’t make it. Or I just don’t follow through. And this isn’t just with people; I renege on commitments and plans to myself as well. I lack integrity! I don’t honor my word! There! I said it. . . or rather thought it outloud! Does the scripture, “In as much as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, you have done it unto me.” apply here? OMG!! Am I not integris with God???

Then, just as I thought that now would be a good time for a minor distraction—a little t.v. or a quick look at Facebook to help me "think through" this--the Holy Spirit laid this thought on me: "What is there to "think through"? YOU LACK INTEGRITY!! It is what it is! Now, invent for yourself the possibility of living integris."

Its times like this you just gotta love God!

Next?

Silent Refuge

An excerpt from Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert:

"Yogic sages say that all the pain of a human life is caused by words, as is the joy. We create words to define our experience and those words bring attendant emotions that jerk us around like dogs on a leash. We get seduced by our own mantras (I'm a failure. . . I'm lonely. . . I'm a failure. . . I'm lonely. . .) and we become monuments to them. To stop talking for a while, then is to attempt to strip away the power of words, to stop choking ourselves with words, to liberate ourselves from our suffocating mantras."

So today I am moved to be silent and present with my thoughts. Not just alone, but silent and present to the thoughts that are swimming around in my head. No outside noise (i.e. the t.v. or singing or talking to myself,), no words, NO FACEBOOK (OMG!!)OR BLACKBERRY!! Just me and my thoughts. And this is what I've discovered so far (since 7:53 this morning; it's now 10:01 a.m.). . . IT's LOUD IN HERE!!! And maybe I'm blogging to relieve some of the pressure!! It's not easy to think about your thoughts(I think the formal term is metacognition, the process of thinking about thinking). Cause all of my thoughts aren't necessarily good thoughts and these thoughts put me in touch with my feelings!! And these feelings don't feel good cause I don't understand why I think and feel this way. So I inquired of the Lord about one "thought" in particular: Jealousy (My spirit quenches even as I type it).

My thoughts in-loud: "Lord why am I so jealous and envious of people? I can't even appreciate who they are and what you've given them for wanting what they have. Why am I like this and where does it come from? How do I not be jealous of others? How do I stop these jealous thoughts from swimming around in my head? I don't want to ignore them any more. I want them to stop! How do I appreciate others for who they are and the lives you've given them to live? How do I extol others more highly than myself and give them the honor/recognition that they deserve? How do I celebrate the happiness of others? How, Fahter, do I let go of the jealous thoughts that I have toward others? The jealousy and the envy? How do I let it go? I even have jealousy of other's relationship with you!! How do I get to root of this and make it stop?"

His response: "LOVE YOURSELF! and the life I've given YOU to live. You are unique unlike anyone I've created on this earth. Forgive yourself. Accept yourself. Be yourself."

My counter-response: I don't know how to do that. I really don't. How do I do that?

His response: "Spend time with me everyday. Stay present with me. I will ALWAYS be "there" with you and for you Just spend time with me. I will show you everything you need to know."

The conversation took place in my head just like that. And I wrote it down. Of course I cried and cried and cried. I'm still crying. But I'm not sad. I'm feeling relieved! Coming face to face with and admitting to the ugly in you, the part that you don't like about you is hard. Embarassing. But liberating at the same time. I'm willing to take whatever risk I have to in order to be liberated from anything that may be holding me back from living the life God has given me to live.

Ok now I need a "thought" break. Can you take a break from your thoughts? Or do your thoughts just shift? All I know is that today, I don't want to escape them or block them out. Today I am silent and present to my thoughts.

Till We Meet Again. . .

I woke up thinking about Vickie Spencer. Saturday, December 19, 2009, the Lord called her home. I fell numb when i heard the news. I can’t believe she’s gone.

She loved me as her own. . . unconditionally, free of judgment. She prayed me through a rough time in my life and helped me forgive myself. For years we ministered together at Central Juvenile. . . faithfully every second Sunday; she was a stable force in my life and now she’s just gone. It won't be the same without her. I can’t help but wonder why she had to die. Not questioning God’s decision, just why her? Why now? God never makes mistakes and He wouldn’t dare risk His reputation by making one now. I’m clear on that. And He’s sovereign and does all things well and He causes all things to work together for our good. . . I am not confused. But none of that truth erases the question my flesh has: “Why Vickie? Why now?”

She's at peace now, free of pain and medicines and all that radiation. Her body succumbed to pancreatic cancer but her spirit is rejoicing and will live on forever. She’s “Vickie” again. . . healthy and radiant, and her voice is strong and clear. And God understands the heart of my questioning, and when I get in His presence with worship, He’s going to settle my longing to know. . .”Why Vickie? Why now?”

I love you, Vickie Spencer and I miss you so much already. I'll look out for Poppie and Marlon and I'll keep praying for and ministering to the children at juvenile hall.

Till we meet again. . .