Something's Definitely Missing

I haven't been laughing enough.  Some things I need to just let go of and get over.  Some people, too. Cause I haven't been laughing enough.  And I haven't been praying enough.  I just don't know what to do about some things.  Some people, too.  That's how I know that I haven't been praying enough.  And for sure I haven't been "living outloud".  Not at all.  I'm doing everything in life except what I was created to do. And what I enjoy doing.  Explains the bordom and anxiety. Geesh.

I haven't been exercising either.  Not enough.  The fat around my belly, hips and thighs disgust me; yet I continue to eat and eat and eat cause food is just so good!! And comforting.  Thank God I love "healthy" foods!  I'd be a million pounds heavier!! Curling up in a corner on the couch with food is all I have felt like doing when I come home from work.  It's all I have the energy to do.  I need to be up dancing or walking or jogging or Zumba-ing.  Something!  I need to get it together.

I am not miserable. . .even though it may come across as though I am.  But I'm not.  I have less than some and way more than others.  Every need is met and wants are being fulfilled.  I'm healthy.  And happy for the most part.  I guess.  But i am not exceedingly happy.  And I want to be exCEEEEDingly happy.  Cause I deserve to be.

Something is definitely missing.

You are THAT God!

You are the before the beginning God and the after there is none God.

You are the midnight hour and early morning and everything in between God.

You are the righteous and holy and magnificent God.

Fabulous!  

The no-words-can-adequately-describe-You God.

You are victory and hope, miracles and wonders, from everlasting to everlasting.

  You are THAT God!

Protection when I'm fearful,  Peace when I'm agitated, Joy when I'm sorrowful, Love when I self-loathe. . . You are THAT God.

You are the God of Jesus Christ by which all must come to call You "Father" God.

Abba!

You are the Elohim God, the Alpha and Omega God,  Sovereign, Omnipotent, and Mighty God. . . 

The no-one-is-a-match-to-You God.

My before-I-was-and-after-I-am God.  

The while I yet live, move, and have my being God.

Healer, Deliverer, Savior, and Friend God

My Breath of Life.  Daily.

I am glad I know You to be THAT God!

1:54 a.m.

Maybe this whole marriage to myself things has me weirded out.  Maybe I got so close to myself that I found out that I--Janice--am not who I've been portraying myself as.  Or maybe there are two me's.  Maybe even three.  Wow.  That's pretty deep.  Will the Janice you desire to be PLEASE come forward!!

Question to Self

. . . ok so one more thing.  The question I am going to bed with. . .or rather shutting down this night with is, "What does it really mean to "live outloud"?"  I mean really??  For me.  What do I want "living outloud" to look like on me?  Janice.  JaniceOmega! What is I want to do and what am I doing that's stopping me from doing it?  What's really holding me back?  Am I afraid of what people might think or say?  Is it my age?  Am I afraid I'm too old?  Am I afraid of losing the "security" that I do have?  Or the independence?  What am I afraid of?? WHAT AM I AFRAID OF??? Maybe I'm afraid of making a huge mistake. . . of losing the little bit that i DO have.  To lose is to gain, or so I've been told.  I wish that after Landmark in 2009 I could have stayed on my quest to freedom.  Landmark was the first step and I failed to follow through.  I had to return to work and that "someone's life" tripped me up.  AGAIN!!

I don't know why I've decided to put all of this yuck on blog.  It just made sense to do this way tonight.  And I need to keep on doing it--even when it doesn't make sense.  Maybe this is where I begin to "live outloud"; with the thoughts emanating from my spirit. . .my inner being.  Maybe this will give them life and cause them to germinate and come forth.  Something's happening.  Not sure what yet, but something's happening.  I know there are people out there that hope I never get "it" cause they know that if I do I will be a badassbitch!! In a good way. :)

Maybe this summer I will do a trail run; a hypothetical "poof, be gone".  I will get in my car, drive to Sacramento State, and tell them I'm new to the area and I'm looking for work.  See what happens.  I don't know what the draw is north. . . maybe I conjured it up in my spirit or maybe God dropped it there.  I don't know.  I'm feeling really anxious though.  Something needs to change.

Getting all the "ugggg" out!

. . . and so I am sitting here at 11:39 p.m. on Sunday night after a long day without electricity, thinking about how good it was that I didn't have electricity because I was able to do some things and think about some things that I wouldn't have had the television been available.  And one thing for certain is that if "life" is going to happen, it's up to me to see to it happening.  The problem is I just don't know where to begin.  I feel "locked up".  I just noticed my closet.  May I should start with the clothes in my closet.  Throw or give them all away and start over.  Just start over.  Cause that's what I really want to do. . . I want to just start over!! What exactly that means or what it will entail, I don't know.  Maybe I need a life coach.  But I don't wanna pay anyone to tell me what I need to do; I want to somehow come to the agreement myself.  If I had my way and weren't afraid, I would pack up and leave NOW!  Right now.  I'd leave behind all the shit that don't matter cause it really don't matter!! And I would drive until I came to a place. . . no, I would drive until I arrived at Sacramento State University and I would go inside and tell them I need work and want to enroll in school.  And they would ask me where I was from and I would say Colorado.  And they would say, "what brings you to california?" and I would tell them that that I've heard so much about california and the warm weather that I thought it would be a great place to start over.  LOL!!  Crazy talk.  I don't know. . .I'm tripping now.  I'm shutting down because now I'm trippin.  But I'm so serious. .. and this conversation ain't over. . .

UGGGG!!!

I feel like I am living someone else's life and it is hella boring!! It's a good life. . .one that is secure and noble and well-spoken of.  But BORING!!  There's no adventure. No excitement.  No thrill.  Somewhere the salt has lost is savor! The jello has lost it's pudding!!! And I don't know what to do.  Spring break ended today and it's back to work tomorrow.  Ten weeks left.  I DON'T WANNA GO!! I don't hate my job but I don't love it either.  It's a great job and I like what I do, and I am pretty good at what I do.. . . but there's gotta be something else.  There's gotta be a life out there for ME.  The life I am living now is one that I created for that "someone" to live, but that someone ain't "me".  It ain't me.  And something's gotta be done.  Something just has to be done.

Home

I’m feeling at peace this evening. . .I cooked a meal, t.v.’s off, responding to a few text messages, sipping some ginger tea, thankful, happy, full, my soul is quiet/calm—at rest . . . I am home—within—on the inside.  I am home.  (Big exhale. . .)

. . . I decided long ago/never to walk in anyone’s shadow.
If I fail. . . if I succeed. . . at least I’ll live as I BELIEVE
No matter what they take from me; they can’t take away my dignity!

Because the great-est, love of all
Is happening to me.
I’ve found the great-est, love of all,
Inside of me.

The greatest love, of all
Is easy to achieve
Learning to love, yourself; it is the greatest, love of all

And if by chance that special place
That you’ve been dreaming of
Leads you to a lonely place
Find your strength in love!

Whitney Houston

On Saturday, February 11, 2012, while dressing to enter into a loving covenant with myself, I learned Whitney Houston died. I was stunned! I remember when I first heard the news of her marriage to Bobbi Brown and her drug addiction. I was stunned then, too. And I remember praying for her. . ..really on my knees interceding for her, that she would find her way back to herself. . .her truth and faith. I remember praying for her deliverance from the abuse and healing in her gift.

It was a strange feeling. . . maybe somewhat ironic?, that on the evening I finally decide to make an “outloud” declaration to love myself, the woman with “the voice” who belted out “Greatest Love of All” would die. I wanted to pay tribute to her and sing just a verse of the song, but the ceremony didn’t permit it. It’s been a week since her death, her funeral service was this past Saturday and streamed live on CNN. I can’t believe she’s gone. At 48, gone. Her musical gift was unlike any I’ve ever heard. And she was beautiful. There was just something special about her.

Andrew says I remind him of her before her drug addiction. He says she was “genuine in her approach to life.” He said he didn’t want to tell me that ‘cause he didn’t want me to take that the wrong way or be offended." Why would I be offended?? Unless I’m missing something, I actually think it’s an honor. I LOVED Whitney. . . the bitch in her and all! She was real AND still loved God!! She was just a baaaad bitch!! No one can touch her! Andrew says we all have our “drugs” and that’s so true. I call them demons. Mine weren’t/aren’t as apparent as drug addiction. By the end of 2011 one “demon” in particular had beat me down; but I was able to fight and come up out of my suffering and find my way to a place of restoration and healing. I believe Whitney’s was about to get the best of her . . . again. God had to call her to home to free her .

Rest in peace beautiful, gifted woman.

Sunday, April 11, 2011, 6:12 a.m.

A friend told me that "Sometimes we start swinging and there ain't even a fight going on." So true. Sometimes we can be so paranoid or rather insecure that we're quick to defend and throw punches that are unwarranted. I'm learning to clarify by asking people what they mean by their statements. And most times it's nothing near what I was thinking they meant. I was making up stuff. . . the worse stuff. Why do I do that and where did I get that from? What's worse, is I'll try to convince someone that they meant something other than what they told me!! I won't believe them and I'll say things like, "I know you really meant such in such, you just don't want to tell me." or even worse "I can tell you're lying!" People HATE being called a liar, ESPECIALLY when they're telling the truth. I know I do. I'm working on trusting what people tell me to be true. I'm learning that it hurts people when I don't. It shouldn't be until I've learned that they have indeed lied that I not trust them. I think alot.

Catchin' Up

In the words of Marvin Gaye: "What's goin' on. . . what's goin' on. . . It's been a cool minute since I've celebrated life on this page. Let's see. . .I'm still teaching at Poly; next school year will mark my 10th year! (uh oh!!) A week ago I retured to school to clear my credential as an education specialist and get a master's in teaching with a specialization in special education. It's an on-line program with National University. If all goes well, I'll qualify for the teach grant and finish the program owing nothing. Well, I'll owe the loan money that I'll use for personal stuff, but that won't be much. It's only 10 classes so my plan is to be done next year. I'm back at Zoe Christian Fellowship, a little over a year now. That's going well. Regardless of all that has gone on and knowing I could be somewhere else that's "better", Zoe is where I'm supposed to be right now. How long? I'm not questioning it. I'm just gonna be where I'm at until it changes. In February, I met a dude through a "mutual friend". (We met on the Internet on one of those "meetpeople" sites and because the friendship was so immediate, we're saying we met via a mutual friend. . . God!). He lives in another state, he's 7 years older (but looks a little older), he's a minister, he makes me laugh and treats me good. I visited him last month for 3 days; we had a great time. He took me to hear the cool jazz sounds of Branford Marsalis and Terence Blanchard Marcelis, we went to the movies to see "Paul", we attended church, hung out laughing and talking and eating and just having a good time. He's flying me out to visit him again at the end of this month. He likes me more than I like him. . . right now anyway. One day at a time; I just want to enjoy the present. I don't want to mess things up but thinking about where things might go or can't go or won't go. . .I just want to enjoy right now. Right now is good. Really, good. So yeah. . .

I want to start blogging again. . .I've been journaling consistently since November. Everyday, up at 4:30, pen in hand. So maybe I can add some of those thoughts here. One thing that's been disturbing me lately is how we are seemingly taking God's grace for granted. We seem to be living our lives under the umbrella of "God loves us" thereby giving ourselves permission to be and do "us". I think we're crossing the lines. I'm speaking specifically of a friend. I questioned an area of his life and he told me "children are corrected; adults are convicted by the Holy Spirit". Well that shut my mouth, and led to number 31 of "50 Things I know for Sure": What the Holy Spirit convicts ME of may not necessary bring conviction in the lives of others. STAY IN YOUR LANE!

I'm out.

Yesterday's Silence

I broke my mental solitude at 3pm by turning on the t.v. to one of those court shows. But I remained on silent mode and stayed away from FB and the Blackberry ‘till about 5pm. This was a good day and I must incorporate more of these days into my lifestyle.

The final 3 or so hours were spent entertaining random thoughts that came and went, ultimately leading me to make a list of all of the things I want or want to do:

I want to: exercise 3 times a week/cook my own foods/spend more time in prayer and worship/be available for others when they need me or just need my presence/juice regularly/shop/journal regularly/tithe, give, save, invest, and spend/ . . .

The list went on and on, until finally I asked the Lord, how do I create space to do all that I want to do? His response was quick (gotta love Him!):

“First of all” He says, “begin by changing your “I want” to "I will":, I will cook my own foods, I will spend more time in prayer and worship. . .Next, begin each day with Me and end every night with Me; and I will tell you how to do everything you’re wanting to do.” I’m good with that.

So the year is off to a good start. Yesterday was a really good day. Silence gets you in touch with your inner voice and you enter into the spiritual realm where you find clarity and answers to your questions. In my case today, immediate answers. Will it always be like that? Maybe not. But I believe He'll always give me an answer. It may not be the full answer at the time, but I am certain He’ll give me what I need to hold on until I’m ready for full disclosure.

"I will trust in the Lord with all my heart leaning not to my own understanding. In all my ways I will acknowledge Him, confident that He will direct my path"

Silent Refuge (cont'd)

I got up after that first blog and swept the floor. I didn’t know what else to do. Normally or routinely I turn on the television or check my Blackberry for FB postings. As I swept I tried to think about what I should be thinking about. I got nothing. Then the word “honesty’ came to mind. Oh, Lord, pleeease don’t make me think about honesty and my lack thereof. Maybe not honesty so much but integrity. Yes, integrity. I definitely lack integrity. Landmark defines integrity as “creating a relationship to word as the source of designing a life of workability, freedom, and possibility.” Ok, more simply stated, integrity is “a state of being whole and complete; honoring your word as yourself.” I didn’t finish the Integrity Seminar so I'm not aware of the work they have you do to come true to that struggle. It was during the summer and I was more committed to my travel. Perhaps I can return his summer? I’m supposed to go to the Bahamas but I’m finding now that I don’t want to go. I want to be alone. And see this is what happens: I tell people I’m going to do stuff and then I renege. I plan to do things with people and then I find or come up with some excuse or lie (if we’re really going to be honest here) as to why I can’t make it. Or I just don’t follow through. And this isn’t just with people; I renege on commitments and plans to myself as well. I lack integrity! I don’t honor my word! There! I said it. . . or rather thought it outloud! Does the scripture, “In as much as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, you have done it unto me.” apply here? OMG!! Am I not integris with God???

Then, just as I thought that now would be a good time for a minor distraction—a little t.v. or a quick look at Facebook to help me "think through" this--the Holy Spirit laid this thought on me: "What is there to "think through"? YOU LACK INTEGRITY!! It is what it is! Now, invent for yourself the possibility of living integris."

Its times like this you just gotta love God!

Next?

Silent Refuge

An excerpt from Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert:

"Yogic sages say that all the pain of a human life is caused by words, as is the joy. We create words to define our experience and those words bring attendant emotions that jerk us around like dogs on a leash. We get seduced by our own mantras (I'm a failure. . . I'm lonely. . . I'm a failure. . . I'm lonely. . .) and we become monuments to them. To stop talking for a while, then is to attempt to strip away the power of words, to stop choking ourselves with words, to liberate ourselves from our suffocating mantras."

So today I am moved to be silent and present with my thoughts. Not just alone, but silent and present to the thoughts that are swimming around in my head. No outside noise (i.e. the t.v. or singing or talking to myself,), no words, NO FACEBOOK (OMG!!)OR BLACKBERRY!! Just me and my thoughts. And this is what I've discovered so far (since 7:53 this morning; it's now 10:01 a.m.). . . IT's LOUD IN HERE!!! And maybe I'm blogging to relieve some of the pressure!! It's not easy to think about your thoughts(I think the formal term is metacognition, the process of thinking about thinking). Cause all of my thoughts aren't necessarily good thoughts and these thoughts put me in touch with my feelings!! And these feelings don't feel good cause I don't understand why I think and feel this way. So I inquired of the Lord about one "thought" in particular: Jealousy (My spirit quenches even as I type it).

My thoughts in-loud: "Lord why am I so jealous and envious of people? I can't even appreciate who they are and what you've given them for wanting what they have. Why am I like this and where does it come from? How do I not be jealous of others? How do I stop these jealous thoughts from swimming around in my head? I don't want to ignore them any more. I want them to stop! How do I appreciate others for who they are and the lives you've given them to live? How do I extol others more highly than myself and give them the honor/recognition that they deserve? How do I celebrate the happiness of others? How, Fahter, do I let go of the jealous thoughts that I have toward others? The jealousy and the envy? How do I let it go? I even have jealousy of other's relationship with you!! How do I get to root of this and make it stop?"

His response: "LOVE YOURSELF! and the life I've given YOU to live. You are unique unlike anyone I've created on this earth. Forgive yourself. Accept yourself. Be yourself."

My counter-response: I don't know how to do that. I really don't. How do I do that?

His response: "Spend time with me everyday. Stay present with me. I will ALWAYS be "there" with you and for you Just spend time with me. I will show you everything you need to know."

The conversation took place in my head just like that. And I wrote it down. Of course I cried and cried and cried. I'm still crying. But I'm not sad. I'm feeling relieved! Coming face to face with and admitting to the ugly in you, the part that you don't like about you is hard. Embarassing. But liberating at the same time. I'm willing to take whatever risk I have to in order to be liberated from anything that may be holding me back from living the life God has given me to live.

Ok now I need a "thought" break. Can you take a break from your thoughts? Or do your thoughts just shift? All I know is that today, I don't want to escape them or block them out. Today I am silent and present to my thoughts.

Fiftieth Celebration

I am 50! Wow. It's been two days and I'm still trying to wrap my mind around it. I only believe it ‘cause my birth certificate says so! I don’t know what 50 is supposed to feel like but I feel great dispite my bum knee. Patsy, Kim, Roshann, and Jaha threw a “surprise” birthday party for me on Friday night. A birthday celebration.

It was at Recreation Park. I got there about 7:45 or so. Michael Blake and nephew Steve were waiting for my arrival and escorted me in. I was all prepared to “act” surprised but when I saw the people I really was surprised!! I got soooo happy and excited. And I stayed happy and excited allll night!! I forgot to take my camera out to have someone take pictures!!

Kim crowned me with a “50th Birthday” hat and necklace, and got things under way with prayer and I followed her with a surprise invitation to lead praise and worship! That’s how you get a party started!!.

From there, Robyn took over as hostess and oh my goodness. The girl is crazy!! I mean I always knew that but Friday night, she was off-the-chain funny!!! Totally off the cuff and in the moment. Reuben led the guests in shouting out fifty adjectives describing me. That was really incredible ‘cause I didn’t think they’d get past 10! But they quickly came up with 50 words! It was absolutely incredible!! Cathy Crowell, Julie Harris, Teresa Warren, and Lynette and Mary Green sang to me. They were amazing! The night continued with family and friends sharing their sentiments and views and personal testaments as to my place in their lives. And there were balloons and bubbles, a birthday cake and two versions of the “happy birthday” song. I was completely overwhelmed!

One of the “50 Things I Know For Sure” is every now and then I need to know that I matter. Well, mission accomplished on Friday night. Family and friends came out and showered me with love. And I felt it and embraced it. All of my insides shifted causing my errors and faults and excuses for who and why I am to fade away. I was humbled yet empowered. I felt loved and accepted; my being was validated! Sharon Jackson settled it all for me when she referred to me as a "wink" in people's lives when I share my being through my gifts. She says it's how I give love. She held me close to her and spoke to my heart. With that, I experienced a new level of freedom and became present with my own “goodness” and purpose. And there was peace inside of me; a peace that opened my heart to receive and give “love”. A feeling I’ve never felt before. It was God through His people.

I am so grateful to everyone who was present to share with me on that night. All of them are part of the transformation that is taking place in my life. I still see their faces. . . every single face. I still feel their hugs and I still hear their voices; their kind, genuine words; their songs. It was a defining moment for me and I'll never be the same.

I'm grateful.

Daddy

His birthday was this month—September 8. He would have been 92 years old. Nowadays the age of ninety-two isn’t old; had his mind been right and had he had a desire for life, he could still be alive I think. For the past few days, maybe weeks now, he's been on my mind. I’ve thought about him and what our relationship could have been like. In my eyes he was a miserable man, he didn’t like me, and he didn’t care whether I came or went. Learning the story about mama and “Mr. Barnett” validated these feelings and helped me to conclude that he didn’t like me because I wasn’t his; and he knew it! But Therman Willis Davis is the only man I’ve known as dad. Whether he is biologically my dad or not, he is the only man I’ve known to call my father. And so for the past few weeks I’ve longed for him, my father, and recently have been having conversations with him in my head.

It’s kind of weird because I feel like I’m establishing a relationship with him. I feel like he’s thinking about me, too.. . .like somehow my curiosity about what our relationship could have been like has reached heaven and I have his attention. And I feel love coming from him. Real love from my father. A daddy’s love. I close my eyes and I have a vision of us sitting and talking. Mostly me talking; he’s listening and answering any questions I have. But we’re communicating. His voice is calm and comforting and his answers are reassuring. I feel like a little girl. . .really safe and glad he’s my daddy. Proud he’s my daddy ‘cause he knows everything. And I wish he were here. I just need him so much right now.

Dear Lord . . .

This has been the most amazing summer of my life and I have you to thank. I asked and You made it possible. You provided more than I could have ever imagined! From the west to the south to the east to the Midwest, I couldn’t have asked for more. I enjoyed everything about it—the trains, planes, busses, cars, taxis, my family, the people, the food, the weather, the conversations, the food—everything! Thank you so much. Everywhere I was, You were. . .and you made me know it! Forever I will love You and worship You and share You “outloud” with others. You mean everything to me.

A Day Outloud: September 6, 2009

I’m lonely today. I haven’t felt this way in a very, very long time. Maybe I’m experiencing separation anxiety. HaHaHa. . .that would be a first. Over the past 2 months, I’ve been around and engaged with more people on a continuous, day to day basis than I have. . .I don’t know. . . since my early 20’s maybe. And now, suddenly, everyone’s. . . gone. And I liked everybody. And I enjoyed so much being around everybody. And the "everybody" was actually family!! Go figure. I enjoyed being around my family. And it was comfortable. Not one time did I wish the day would end or did I want to go and be by myself. I had enough “alone time” at night. . .wherever I slept. .. and that was enough. Amazingly, that was enough. And I just kinda miss being around everybody now. I don’t know why it’s suddenly hitting me today. I feel sad. Not depressed, just sad. And lonely.

And I wish I had my parent’s house to go to and stay the night tonight. I don’t want to go anywhere else; I just want my parent’s house to go to. With your parents you don’t have to ask if it’s ok to come by or go in the fridge or stay the night or wash or just hang out cause you wanna just hang out. . . anywhere in the house. It’s mama and daddy’s house! It’s always ok. At least it was for me. And I miss that more than anything. . . just having them there and having their house to go. Just being able to put my key in the door and be home. More than that, though, I wish I had daddy here to know him like my siblings have described him. I wish I had my daddy here to talk to about stuff. .. about things I’ve done and what to do next. I’d go over to the house right now and go out in the backyard where he would most likely be and do like Valarie did. . .just be present with him. Or I’d sit on the couch next to the chair he’d most likely be sitting in and watch television with him. . . or maybe even ask him to show me how to play checkers or chess. I don’t really like games but he did and that give us something in common. Or maybe I would just ask him questions. . . random questions.. .to listen to him talk. Yeah. . . And somewhere in the midst of all of that he would hear me say something that’s on my heart and give me advice. Like daddy’s are supposed to do. . .

I don’t know where all of this is coming from but it’s a bit overwhelming today. In times past I’ve been able to crawl into the arms of God and find comfort and security but today. . . I don’t know. Emotions overtake me and it’s hard to settle. Maybe my quest to understand why I prefer men over women as friends has opened the door to these feelings. I don’t know. I just know I have a need to be parented right through here.

And what the hell does it mean when people say “home is where the heart is.”?

A Day Outloud: September 5, 2009

I was tired when I woke up this morning ‘cause I didn't rest well due to the heat. It was soo hot last night. When I opened my eyes I realized I had finally slept; and I just laid there staring at the ceiling. I didn't want to read, pray, or do anything. . .I didn’t want to disturb my body temperature, my hormones (those f**kin’ “private” summers). . . I just wanted to enjoy the coolness. So I turned on the television. . .

There was a McDonald’s commercial on. I'm not sure how I was suddenly so enticed but I succumbed to the invite and busted out of the house to buy a breakfast deluxe! I rationalized it being the perfect solution to not turning on any heat in my duplex. I couldn't have been more wrong. And it’s not like I didn't already know! A man ate McDonalds for 30 days and gained 2+ pounds a day!!! The food is crap! What was I thinking??? (Apparently I wasn't). Dang.

I was void of television all while I vacationed and didn’t miss it at all. I didn’t sleep to the television and I didn’t wake up to it. I was fine without it. I read and I journaled and I was up everyday enjoying being present with me and my surroundings. So why can’t I do that here. At home. In California. What’s different? There are things to do here. There are places to go. There are people to hang out with and be around. Why am I falling back into those old habits? Cause it’s hot as hell. And I would have to drive to get where I need to go! Maybe if my car had air conditioning that would help. But it doesn’t. So it makes any drive, especially across that freeway in the heat, miserable!!

I’ve got to create the possibility of day to day living without the television. I’ve got to establish a life, a routine, right here at home—in California—without it. I was provoked and manipulated by that thing today! McDonald’s?? C’mon now.

Men versus Women

On Sunday, August 23, 2009, my sis-in-love, Valarie, invited me to explore why I prefer men over women as friends, stating (and I paraphrase) that if I don’t resolve or come to an understanding I would end up rejecting an intimate/quality relationship with her or any woman who would want the same. Now mind you, this conversation doesn’t surface until I’m getting out of the car at the airport. We’ve just spent 4 days together—celebrating our fiftieth year on the streets of uptown New York and Pennsylvania—so why on earth would this conversation not surface until now?? If anyone could help me understand “why?” and help me process through my preference of men over women it would be her.

I told her I didn’t know why the preference. She said (as only she can), “If you did know, what would it be?” What the hell??? I had to repeat her question aloud: “If I did know, what would it be.” I guess she could hear in my voice that I didn’t know how to begin answering that question. So she asked another one (as only she would): “What’s the first thing that comes to mind?” “Hmmm.. . Attention!” I belted, and I continued to share that it could have something to do with not getting it (attention) from daddy. She agreed adding the lack of attention from my brothers as well. It didn’t sound or feel right to use this as the possible “reason” for my preference, and she noted that’s why I concluded that I didn’t know. She says often time we use that excuse (“I don’t know!”) when what we’re thinking doesn’t sound or feel like it is or should be the “right” answer. I agree. But I think we also use that excuse when the answer is so right that we don’t want it to be the answer—it’s too embarrassing or painful. Or it evokes an emotion we don’t want to overcome. . . takes us to a place in our souls that we don’t want to be.

As I got out of the car she made it clear that she wanted to stand for our relationship, and was going to call me on it. . . but only for so long. Then she would stop. . .stop if there is no reciprocity. I get it. I understand. But my fear? I don’t know that we agree on what the relationship will look like for us. What are the expectations? She knows that as a result of my experience through Landmark I’m transforming, but I’ve only walked in my transformation as “Janice on vacation”. I haven’t added work and church and my day to day routines yet. That piece won’t filter in until September. So what if I fall off the “transformation” wagon. What then? And now we’re leaving each other with only the phone to uncover it all. Damn.

On the flight home it was all I could think about. Why do I prefer men over women as friends?? I’m sure it does have something to do with attention—I guess I like having all of it on me. I get what I want (from men) and most times (in the relationship) I get to be right. I run my racket and getting what I want becomes the payoff (revelation gained from attending Landmark). And I can have an intimacy with men that I can’t have with women. Not sex, i n t i m a c y!! And that piece of it may stem from what took place in my childhood—I was taught how to be sensuous with a man—with my body, my hands, and lips—without engaging in sex. . . or rather intercourse.

And men like that attention. . . which in turn gets me their full attention. I’m able to hold hands and lay close and feel like or be treated like a female, a woman. I’m protected and adored. I’m hugged and loved on. So we both benefit. I don’t have to concern myself with engaging in or holding a stimulating conversation—which I feel is my weakness. Conversation becomes secondary. I capitalize on what I’m good at. . .and what I’m good at I can only do with men. . . so men become my preference.

With women. . . hmmm, women. I don’t know. I really don’t know. At this point Valarie would ask, “What’s the first thing that comes to mind?” And my response would be, “Competition.” But that’s as far as I can go right now. I can’t think about any more right now.