Whitney Houston

On Saturday, February 11, 2012, while dressing to enter into a loving covenant with myself, I learned Whitney Houston died. I was stunned! I remember when I first heard the news of her marriage to Bobbi Brown and her drug addiction. I was stunned then, too. And I remember praying for her. . ..really on my knees interceding for her, that she would find her way back to herself. . .her truth and faith. I remember praying for her deliverance from the abuse and healing in her gift.

It was a strange feeling. . . maybe somewhat ironic?, that on the evening I finally decide to make an “outloud” declaration to love myself, the woman with “the voice” who belted out “Greatest Love of All” would die. I wanted to pay tribute to her and sing just a verse of the song, but the ceremony didn’t permit it. It’s been a week since her death, her funeral service was this past Saturday and streamed live on CNN. I can’t believe she’s gone. At 48, gone. Her musical gift was unlike any I’ve ever heard. And she was beautiful. There was just something special about her.

Andrew says I remind him of her before her drug addiction. He says she was “genuine in her approach to life.” He said he didn’t want to tell me that ‘cause he didn’t want me to take that the wrong way or be offended." Why would I be offended?? Unless I’m missing something, I actually think it’s an honor. I LOVED Whitney. . . the bitch in her and all! She was real AND still loved God!! She was just a baaaad bitch!! No one can touch her! Andrew says we all have our “drugs” and that’s so true. I call them demons. Mine weren’t/aren’t as apparent as drug addiction. By the end of 2011 one “demon” in particular had beat me down; but I was able to fight and come up out of my suffering and find my way to a place of restoration and healing. I believe Whitney’s was about to get the best of her . . . again. God had to call her to home to free her .

Rest in peace beautiful, gifted woman.

Nothing Left Undone

About 30 minutes ago, it dawned on me that I didn’t say my vows last night!! I was in distress about it! So I decided to stand on the porch and just say them outloud into the universe. Then I decided to put my dress back on and stand on the porch and say them outloud. That turned into taking the decorated mirror outside, putting on lipstick, calling Lionell and asking him to “come right now” to take a picture of me saying my vows. He didn’t know why he was coming, he just willingly came. Not only did he take the picture that captured the pure essence of last night’s ceremony, he videotaped it!!! I asked MyLove, “why was I allowed to go without saying my vows last night? People should have heard my vows!” The vows are for me, not “the people”. Had I said them last night I wouldn’t have had the need to say them today and the picture and moment would have gone unrealized. Today was raw and in the moment; a true and authentic declaration to yourself and the universe. And it has now been established.

MyLove has established so much in the universe to be poured out on me. I declare and decree this day that my heart is open to receive it. I am open to receive all of it. His miracles--demonstrative of His love--will overwhelm me. I'm looking forward--heart and eyes wide open!

I's Married Now!

Last night I wed MYSELF in loving matrimony. It was such a beautiful thing! I was surrounded by about 40 family and friends who witnessed me enter into loving covenant with God and myself—promising to love myself as myself in all of my fabulousness! I know 99.9% of the people were there out of curiosity. But they were there!! And all of them were a part of that moment. I’m asking MyLove for the words and adjectives to describe last night’s ceremony. . .I can’t find words to do it justice. When I placed the ring on my finger I felt empowered! I felt MyLove’s approval! It was an extraordinary evening that has marked a defining moment for me. A paradigm shift. I am so looking forward to MyLove showing me how to love myself, cause I don’t have a clue! And maybe that’s where He wants me, cause then I can stay out of the box with my demonstration of it.

I'm so happy in love right now!

NO MORE REPLAYS

I can't try to duplicate or repeat what was with the same affect. From here on out, I will embrace each day with its new message and lessons all of its own. A discovery of its own. I will treat each day as a new day. A new day to learn, grow, discover, create, imagine, dream, love, appreciate, and. . . embrace. A new day to "be" me. .. wholly and completely. Fear free, doubt free, complication free, drama free... It sounds like something you just do naturally but I'm learning I have to think "new" for "new" to exist.

I will see the beauty, the beauty of God in everything. I will worship Him for everything. . .new miracles, new relationships. . ."heavenly places, heavenly places" as Jason Upton would put it. Just NO MORE REPLAYS. No more going back trying to capture or recapture something that was. It's a new day. And Imma embrace IT.

FLYYYYY. . . just, FLYYYYY. . .

"Time to spread out your wings and. . . flyyyyyy." Jason Upton's "Fly" has been my daily worship for the past couple of days. His high pitched voice worships from a place that is accompanied by angels in "heavenly places. . . heavenly places". I love the song. It's keeping me in "this place" that has me focused on what I want and what I need to do. It's a spiritual place on auto-pilot, one that maintains conversation with God while the flesh functions in its day to day operations. I can't leave this place. I can't go back. And I've been "here" before but this time I'm cognizant of the process and I must follow through. Stay committed. Embrace it tighter and tighter. Hunger for it (the outcome) more than anything else. "Gotta have new ears, new ears. . .what are you doing, where are you going, . . . God wants to take you to new places, new places, new revelation, new perspective. .. ariel view. . . God has given you the air, so. . . flyyyyyy."

I'm in Chicago on the first leg of summer vacation. It's not the same as summer 2009. Summer 2009 served its purpose. I'm past it. I realize I created space for this summer in an effort to "repeat" summer 2009. It can't be repeated. There was an anointing on that summer for things to take place to catapult me to the next phase and beyond. "New places. . .new places. . . " It's time to fly and soar and breathe the air God has given me with a new set of lungs! I'm ready.

Sunday, April 11, 2011, 6:12 a.m.

A friend told me that "Sometimes we start swinging and there ain't even a fight going on." So true. Sometimes we can be so paranoid or rather insecure that we're quick to defend and throw punches that are unwarranted. I'm learning to clarify by asking people what they mean by their statements. And most times it's nothing near what I was thinking they meant. I was making up stuff. . . the worse stuff. Why do I do that and where did I get that from? What's worse, is I'll try to convince someone that they meant something other than what they told me!! I won't believe them and I'll say things like, "I know you really meant such in such, you just don't want to tell me." or even worse "I can tell you're lying!" People HATE being called a liar, ESPECIALLY when they're telling the truth. I know I do. I'm working on trusting what people tell me to be true. I'm learning that it hurts people when I don't. It shouldn't be until I've learned that they have indeed lied that I not trust them. I think alot.

Catchin' Up

In the words of Marvin Gaye: "What's goin' on. . . what's goin' on. . . It's been a cool minute since I've celebrated life on this page. Let's see. . .I'm still teaching at Poly; next school year will mark my 10th year! (uh oh!!) A week ago I retured to school to clear my credential as an education specialist and get a master's in teaching with a specialization in special education. It's an on-line program with National University. If all goes well, I'll qualify for the teach grant and finish the program owing nothing. Well, I'll owe the loan money that I'll use for personal stuff, but that won't be much. It's only 10 classes so my plan is to be done next year. I'm back at Zoe Christian Fellowship, a little over a year now. That's going well. Regardless of all that has gone on and knowing I could be somewhere else that's "better", Zoe is where I'm supposed to be right now. How long? I'm not questioning it. I'm just gonna be where I'm at until it changes. In February, I met a dude through a "mutual friend". (We met on the Internet on one of those "meetpeople" sites and because the friendship was so immediate, we're saying we met via a mutual friend. . . God!). He lives in another state, he's 7 years older (but looks a little older), he's a minister, he makes me laugh and treats me good. I visited him last month for 3 days; we had a great time. He took me to hear the cool jazz sounds of Branford Marsalis and Terence Blanchard Marcelis, we went to the movies to see "Paul", we attended church, hung out laughing and talking and eating and just having a good time. He's flying me out to visit him again at the end of this month. He likes me more than I like him. . . right now anyway. One day at a time; I just want to enjoy the present. I don't want to mess things up but thinking about where things might go or can't go or won't go. . .I just want to enjoy right now. Right now is good. Really, good. So yeah. . .

I want to start blogging again. . .I've been journaling consistently since November. Everyday, up at 4:30, pen in hand. So maybe I can add some of those thoughts here. One thing that's been disturbing me lately is how we are seemingly taking God's grace for granted. We seem to be living our lives under the umbrella of "God loves us" thereby giving ourselves permission to be and do "us". I think we're crossing the lines. I'm speaking specifically of a friend. I questioned an area of his life and he told me "children are corrected; adults are convicted by the Holy Spirit". Well that shut my mouth, and led to number 31 of "50 Things I know for Sure": What the Holy Spirit convicts ME of may not necessary bring conviction in the lives of others. STAY IN YOUR LANE!

I'm out.