Something's Definitely Missing

I haven't been laughing enough.  Some things I need to just let go of and get over.  Some people, too. Cause I haven't been laughing enough.  And I haven't been praying enough.  I just don't know what to do about some things.  Some people, too.  That's how I know that I haven't been praying enough.  And for sure I haven't been "living outloud".  Not at all.  I'm doing everything in life except what I was created to do. And what I enjoy doing.  Explains the bordom and anxiety. Geesh.

I haven't been exercising either.  Not enough.  The fat around my belly, hips and thighs disgust me; yet I continue to eat and eat and eat cause food is just so good!! And comforting.  Thank God I love "healthy" foods!  I'd be a million pounds heavier!! Curling up in a corner on the couch with food is all I have felt like doing when I come home from work.  It's all I have the energy to do.  I need to be up dancing or walking or jogging or Zumba-ing.  Something!  I need to get it together.

I am not miserable. . .even though it may come across as though I am.  But I'm not.  I have less than some and way more than others.  Every need is met and wants are being fulfilled.  I'm healthy.  And happy for the most part.  I guess.  But i am not exceedingly happy.  And I want to be exCEEEEDingly happy.  Cause I deserve to be.

Something is definitely missing.

You are THAT God!

You are the before the beginning God and the after there is none God.

You are the midnight hour and early morning and everything in between God.

You are the righteous and holy and magnificent God.

Fabulous!  

The no-words-can-adequately-describe-You God.

You are victory and hope, miracles and wonders, from everlasting to everlasting.

  You are THAT God!

Protection when I'm fearful,  Peace when I'm agitated, Joy when I'm sorrowful, Love when I self-loathe. . . You are THAT God.

You are the God of Jesus Christ by which all must come to call You "Father" God.

Abba!

You are the Elohim God, the Alpha and Omega God,  Sovereign, Omnipotent, and Mighty God. . . 

The no-one-is-a-match-to-You God.

My before-I-was-and-after-I-am God.  

The while I yet live, move, and have my being God.

Healer, Deliverer, Savior, and Friend God

My Breath of Life.  Daily.

I am glad I know You to be THAT God!

1:54 a.m.

Maybe this whole marriage to myself things has me weirded out.  Maybe I got so close to myself that I found out that I--Janice--am not who I've been portraying myself as.  Or maybe there are two me's.  Maybe even three.  Wow.  That's pretty deep.  Will the Janice you desire to be PLEASE come forward!!

Question to Self

. . . ok so one more thing.  The question I am going to bed with. . .or rather shutting down this night with is, "What does it really mean to "live outloud"?"  I mean really??  For me.  What do I want "living outloud" to look like on me?  Janice.  JaniceOmega! What is I want to do and what am I doing that's stopping me from doing it?  What's really holding me back?  Am I afraid of what people might think or say?  Is it my age?  Am I afraid I'm too old?  Am I afraid of losing the "security" that I do have?  Or the independence?  What am I afraid of?? WHAT AM I AFRAID OF??? Maybe I'm afraid of making a huge mistake. . . of losing the little bit that i DO have.  To lose is to gain, or so I've been told.  I wish that after Landmark in 2009 I could have stayed on my quest to freedom.  Landmark was the first step and I failed to follow through.  I had to return to work and that "someone's life" tripped me up.  AGAIN!!

I don't know why I've decided to put all of this yuck on blog.  It just made sense to do this way tonight.  And I need to keep on doing it--even when it doesn't make sense.  Maybe this is where I begin to "live outloud"; with the thoughts emanating from my spirit. . .my inner being.  Maybe this will give them life and cause them to germinate and come forth.  Something's happening.  Not sure what yet, but something's happening.  I know there are people out there that hope I never get "it" cause they know that if I do I will be a badassbitch!! In a good way. :)

Maybe this summer I will do a trail run; a hypothetical "poof, be gone".  I will get in my car, drive to Sacramento State, and tell them I'm new to the area and I'm looking for work.  See what happens.  I don't know what the draw is north. . . maybe I conjured it up in my spirit or maybe God dropped it there.  I don't know.  I'm feeling really anxious though.  Something needs to change.

Getting all the "ugggg" out!

. . . and so I am sitting here at 11:39 p.m. on Sunday night after a long day without electricity, thinking about how good it was that I didn't have electricity because I was able to do some things and think about some things that I wouldn't have had the television been available.  And one thing for certain is that if "life" is going to happen, it's up to me to see to it happening.  The problem is I just don't know where to begin.  I feel "locked up".  I just noticed my closet.  May I should start with the clothes in my closet.  Throw or give them all away and start over.  Just start over.  Cause that's what I really want to do. . . I want to just start over!! What exactly that means or what it will entail, I don't know.  Maybe I need a life coach.  But I don't wanna pay anyone to tell me what I need to do; I want to somehow come to the agreement myself.  If I had my way and weren't afraid, I would pack up and leave NOW!  Right now.  I'd leave behind all the shit that don't matter cause it really don't matter!! And I would drive until I came to a place. . . no, I would drive until I arrived at Sacramento State University and I would go inside and tell them I need work and want to enroll in school.  And they would ask me where I was from and I would say Colorado.  And they would say, "what brings you to california?" and I would tell them that that I've heard so much about california and the warm weather that I thought it would be a great place to start over.  LOL!!  Crazy talk.  I don't know. . .I'm tripping now.  I'm shutting down because now I'm trippin.  But I'm so serious. .. and this conversation ain't over. . .

UGGGG!!!

I feel like I am living someone else's life and it is hella boring!! It's a good life. . .one that is secure and noble and well-spoken of.  But BORING!!  There's no adventure. No excitement.  No thrill.  Somewhere the salt has lost is savor! The jello has lost it's pudding!!! And I don't know what to do.  Spring break ended today and it's back to work tomorrow.  Ten weeks left.  I DON'T WANNA GO!! I don't hate my job but I don't love it either.  It's a great job and I like what I do, and I am pretty good at what I do.. . . but there's gotta be something else.  There's gotta be a life out there for ME.  The life I am living now is one that I created for that "someone" to live, but that someone ain't "me".  It ain't me.  And something's gotta be done.  Something just has to be done.

Home

I’m feeling at peace this evening. . .I cooked a meal, t.v.’s off, responding to a few text messages, sipping some ginger tea, thankful, happy, full, my soul is quiet/calm—at rest . . . I am home—within—on the inside.  I am home.  (Big exhale. . .)