NO MORE REPLAYS

I can't try to duplicate or repeat what was with the same affect. From here on out, I will embrace each day with its new message and lessons all of its own. A discovery of its own. I will treat each day as a new day. A new day to learn, grow, discover, create, imagine, dream, love, appreciate, and. . . embrace. A new day to "be" me. .. wholly and completely. Fear free, doubt free, complication free, drama free... It sounds like something you just do naturally but I'm learning I have to think "new" for "new" to exist.

I will see the beauty, the beauty of God in everything. I will worship Him for everything. . .new miracles, new relationships. . ."heavenly places, heavenly places" as Jason Upton would put it. Just NO MORE REPLAYS. No more going back trying to capture or recapture something that was. It's a new day. And Imma embrace IT.

FLYYYYY. . . just, FLYYYYY. . .

"Time to spread out your wings and. . . flyyyyyy." Jason Upton's "Fly" has been my daily worship for the past couple of days. His high pitched voice worships from a place that is accompanied by angels in "heavenly places. . . heavenly places". I love the song. It's keeping me in "this place" that has me focused on what I want and what I need to do. It's a spiritual place on auto-pilot, one that maintains conversation with God while the flesh functions in its day to day operations. I can't leave this place. I can't go back. And I've been "here" before but this time I'm cognizant of the process and I must follow through. Stay committed. Embrace it tighter and tighter. Hunger for it (the outcome) more than anything else. "Gotta have new ears, new ears. . .what are you doing, where are you going, . . . God wants to take you to new places, new places, new revelation, new perspective. .. ariel view. . . God has given you the air, so. . . flyyyyyy."

I'm in Chicago on the first leg of summer vacation. It's not the same as summer 2009. Summer 2009 served its purpose. I'm past it. I realize I created space for this summer in an effort to "repeat" summer 2009. It can't be repeated. There was an anointing on that summer for things to take place to catapult me to the next phase and beyond. "New places. . .new places. . . " It's time to fly and soar and breathe the air God has given me with a new set of lungs! I'm ready.

Sunday, April 11, 2011, 6:12 a.m.

A friend told me that "Sometimes we start swinging and there ain't even a fight going on." So true. Sometimes we can be so paranoid or rather insecure that we're quick to defend and throw punches that are unwarranted. I'm learning to clarify by asking people what they mean by their statements. And most times it's nothing near what I was thinking they meant. I was making up stuff. . . the worse stuff. Why do I do that and where did I get that from? What's worse, is I'll try to convince someone that they meant something other than what they told me!! I won't believe them and I'll say things like, "I know you really meant such in such, you just don't want to tell me." or even worse "I can tell you're lying!" People HATE being called a liar, ESPECIALLY when they're telling the truth. I know I do. I'm working on trusting what people tell me to be true. I'm learning that it hurts people when I don't. It shouldn't be until I've learned that they have indeed lied that I not trust them. I think alot.

Catchin' Up

In the words of Marvin Gaye: "What's goin' on. . . what's goin' on. . . It's been a cool minute since I've celebrated life on this page. Let's see. . .I'm still teaching at Poly; next school year will mark my 10th year! (uh oh!!) A week ago I retured to school to clear my credential as an education specialist and get a master's in teaching with a specialization in special education. It's an on-line program with National University. If all goes well, I'll qualify for the teach grant and finish the program owing nothing. Well, I'll owe the loan money that I'll use for personal stuff, but that won't be much. It's only 10 classes so my plan is to be done next year. I'm back at Zoe Christian Fellowship, a little over a year now. That's going well. Regardless of all that has gone on and knowing I could be somewhere else that's "better", Zoe is where I'm supposed to be right now. How long? I'm not questioning it. I'm just gonna be where I'm at until it changes. In February, I met a dude through a "mutual friend". (We met on the Internet on one of those "meetpeople" sites and because the friendship was so immediate, we're saying we met via a mutual friend. . . God!). He lives in another state, he's 7 years older (but looks a little older), he's a minister, he makes me laugh and treats me good. I visited him last month for 3 days; we had a great time. He took me to hear the cool jazz sounds of Branford Marsalis and Terence Blanchard Marcelis, we went to the movies to see "Paul", we attended church, hung out laughing and talking and eating and just having a good time. He's flying me out to visit him again at the end of this month. He likes me more than I like him. . . right now anyway. One day at a time; I just want to enjoy the present. I don't want to mess things up but thinking about where things might go or can't go or won't go. . .I just want to enjoy right now. Right now is good. Really, good. So yeah. . .

I want to start blogging again. . .I've been journaling consistently since November. Everyday, up at 4:30, pen in hand. So maybe I can add some of those thoughts here. One thing that's been disturbing me lately is how we are seemingly taking God's grace for granted. We seem to be living our lives under the umbrella of "God loves us" thereby giving ourselves permission to be and do "us". I think we're crossing the lines. I'm speaking specifically of a friend. I questioned an area of his life and he told me "children are corrected; adults are convicted by the Holy Spirit". Well that shut my mouth, and led to number 31 of "50 Things I know for Sure": What the Holy Spirit convicts ME of may not necessary bring conviction in the lives of others. STAY IN YOUR LANE!

I'm out.

Yesterday's Silence

I broke my mental solitude at 3pm by turning on the t.v. to one of those court shows. But I remained on silent mode and stayed away from FB and the Blackberry ‘till about 5pm. This was a good day and I must incorporate more of these days into my lifestyle.

The final 3 or so hours were spent entertaining random thoughts that came and went, ultimately leading me to make a list of all of the things I want or want to do:

I want to: exercise 3 times a week/cook my own foods/spend more time in prayer and worship/be available for others when they need me or just need my presence/juice regularly/shop/journal regularly/tithe, give, save, invest, and spend/ . . .

The list went on and on, until finally I asked the Lord, how do I create space to do all that I want to do? His response was quick (gotta love Him!):

“First of all” He says, “begin by changing your “I want” to "I will":, I will cook my own foods, I will spend more time in prayer and worship. . .Next, begin each day with Me and end every night with Me; and I will tell you how to do everything you’re wanting to do.” I’m good with that.

So the year is off to a good start. Yesterday was a really good day. Silence gets you in touch with your inner voice and you enter into the spiritual realm where you find clarity and answers to your questions. In my case today, immediate answers. Will it always be like that? Maybe not. But I believe He'll always give me an answer. It may not be the full answer at the time, but I am certain He’ll give me what I need to hold on until I’m ready for full disclosure.

"I will trust in the Lord with all my heart leaning not to my own understanding. In all my ways I will acknowledge Him, confident that He will direct my path"

Silent Refuge (cont'd)

I got up after that first blog and swept the floor. I didn’t know what else to do. Normally or routinely I turn on the television or check my Blackberry for FB postings. As I swept I tried to think about what I should be thinking about. I got nothing. Then the word “honesty’ came to mind. Oh, Lord, pleeease don’t make me think about honesty and my lack thereof. Maybe not honesty so much but integrity. Yes, integrity. I definitely lack integrity. Landmark defines integrity as “creating a relationship to word as the source of designing a life of workability, freedom, and possibility.” Ok, more simply stated, integrity is “a state of being whole and complete; honoring your word as yourself.” I didn’t finish the Integrity Seminar so I'm not aware of the work they have you do to come true to that struggle. It was during the summer and I was more committed to my travel. Perhaps I can return his summer? I’m supposed to go to the Bahamas but I’m finding now that I don’t want to go. I want to be alone. And see this is what happens: I tell people I’m going to do stuff and then I renege. I plan to do things with people and then I find or come up with some excuse or lie (if we’re really going to be honest here) as to why I can’t make it. Or I just don’t follow through. And this isn’t just with people; I renege on commitments and plans to myself as well. I lack integrity! I don’t honor my word! There! I said it. . . or rather thought it outloud! Does the scripture, “In as much as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, you have done it unto me.” apply here? OMG!! Am I not integris with God???

Then, just as I thought that now would be a good time for a minor distraction—a little t.v. or a quick look at Facebook to help me "think through" this--the Holy Spirit laid this thought on me: "What is there to "think through"? YOU LACK INTEGRITY!! It is what it is! Now, invent for yourself the possibility of living integris."

Its times like this you just gotta love God!

Next?

Silent Refuge

An excerpt from Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert:

"Yogic sages say that all the pain of a human life is caused by words, as is the joy. We create words to define our experience and those words bring attendant emotions that jerk us around like dogs on a leash. We get seduced by our own mantras (I'm a failure. . . I'm lonely. . . I'm a failure. . . I'm lonely. . .) and we become monuments to them. To stop talking for a while, then is to attempt to strip away the power of words, to stop choking ourselves with words, to liberate ourselves from our suffocating mantras."

So today I am moved to be silent and present with my thoughts. Not just alone, but silent and present to the thoughts that are swimming around in my head. No outside noise (i.e. the t.v. or singing or talking to myself,), no words, NO FACEBOOK (OMG!!)OR BLACKBERRY!! Just me and my thoughts. And this is what I've discovered so far (since 7:53 this morning; it's now 10:01 a.m.). . . IT's LOUD IN HERE!!! And maybe I'm blogging to relieve some of the pressure!! It's not easy to think about your thoughts(I think the formal term is metacognition, the process of thinking about thinking). Cause all of my thoughts aren't necessarily good thoughts and these thoughts put me in touch with my feelings!! And these feelings don't feel good cause I don't understand why I think and feel this way. So I inquired of the Lord about one "thought" in particular: Jealousy (My spirit quenches even as I type it).

My thoughts in-loud: "Lord why am I so jealous and envious of people? I can't even appreciate who they are and what you've given them for wanting what they have. Why am I like this and where does it come from? How do I not be jealous of others? How do I stop these jealous thoughts from swimming around in my head? I don't want to ignore them any more. I want them to stop! How do I appreciate others for who they are and the lives you've given them to live? How do I extol others more highly than myself and give them the honor/recognition that they deserve? How do I celebrate the happiness of others? How, Fahter, do I let go of the jealous thoughts that I have toward others? The jealousy and the envy? How do I let it go? I even have jealousy of other's relationship with you!! How do I get to root of this and make it stop?"

His response: "LOVE YOURSELF! and the life I've given YOU to live. You are unique unlike anyone I've created on this earth. Forgive yourself. Accept yourself. Be yourself."

My counter-response: I don't know how to do that. I really don't. How do I do that?

His response: "Spend time with me everyday. Stay present with me. I will ALWAYS be "there" with you and for you Just spend time with me. I will show you everything you need to know."

The conversation took place in my head just like that. And I wrote it down. Of course I cried and cried and cried. I'm still crying. But I'm not sad. I'm feeling relieved! Coming face to face with and admitting to the ugly in you, the part that you don't like about you is hard. Embarassing. But liberating at the same time. I'm willing to take whatever risk I have to in order to be liberated from anything that may be holding me back from living the life God has given me to live.

Ok now I need a "thought" break. Can you take a break from your thoughts? Or do your thoughts just shift? All I know is that today, I don't want to escape them or block them out. Today I am silent and present to my thoughts.