Yesterday's Silence

I broke my mental solitude at 3pm by turning on the t.v. to one of those court shows. But I remained on silent mode and stayed away from FB and the Blackberry ‘till about 5pm. This was a good day and I must incorporate more of these days into my lifestyle.

The final 3 or so hours were spent entertaining random thoughts that came and went, ultimately leading me to make a list of all of the things I want or want to do:

I want to: exercise 3 times a week/cook my own foods/spend more time in prayer and worship/be available for others when they need me or just need my presence/juice regularly/shop/journal regularly/tithe, give, save, invest, and spend/ . . .

The list went on and on, until finally I asked the Lord, how do I create space to do all that I want to do? His response was quick (gotta love Him!):

“First of all” He says, “begin by changing your “I want” to "I will":, I will cook my own foods, I will spend more time in prayer and worship. . .Next, begin each day with Me and end every night with Me; and I will tell you how to do everything you’re wanting to do.” I’m good with that.

So the year is off to a good start. Yesterday was a really good day. Silence gets you in touch with your inner voice and you enter into the spiritual realm where you find clarity and answers to your questions. In my case today, immediate answers. Will it always be like that? Maybe not. But I believe He'll always give me an answer. It may not be the full answer at the time, but I am certain He’ll give me what I need to hold on until I’m ready for full disclosure.

"I will trust in the Lord with all my heart leaning not to my own understanding. In all my ways I will acknowledge Him, confident that He will direct my path"

Silent Refuge (cont'd)

I got up after that first blog and swept the floor. I didn’t know what else to do. Normally or routinely I turn on the television or check my Blackberry for FB postings. As I swept I tried to think about what I should be thinking about. I got nothing. Then the word “honesty’ came to mind. Oh, Lord, pleeease don’t make me think about honesty and my lack thereof. Maybe not honesty so much but integrity. Yes, integrity. I definitely lack integrity. Landmark defines integrity as “creating a relationship to word as the source of designing a life of workability, freedom, and possibility.” Ok, more simply stated, integrity is “a state of being whole and complete; honoring your word as yourself.” I didn’t finish the Integrity Seminar so I'm not aware of the work they have you do to come true to that struggle. It was during the summer and I was more committed to my travel. Perhaps I can return his summer? I’m supposed to go to the Bahamas but I’m finding now that I don’t want to go. I want to be alone. And see this is what happens: I tell people I’m going to do stuff and then I renege. I plan to do things with people and then I find or come up with some excuse or lie (if we’re really going to be honest here) as to why I can’t make it. Or I just don’t follow through. And this isn’t just with people; I renege on commitments and plans to myself as well. I lack integrity! I don’t honor my word! There! I said it. . . or rather thought it outloud! Does the scripture, “In as much as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, you have done it unto me.” apply here? OMG!! Am I not integris with God???

Then, just as I thought that now would be a good time for a minor distraction—a little t.v. or a quick look at Facebook to help me "think through" this--the Holy Spirit laid this thought on me: "What is there to "think through"? YOU LACK INTEGRITY!! It is what it is! Now, invent for yourself the possibility of living integris."

Its times like this you just gotta love God!

Next?

Silent Refuge

An excerpt from Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert:

"Yogic sages say that all the pain of a human life is caused by words, as is the joy. We create words to define our experience and those words bring attendant emotions that jerk us around like dogs on a leash. We get seduced by our own mantras (I'm a failure. . . I'm lonely. . . I'm a failure. . . I'm lonely. . .) and we become monuments to them. To stop talking for a while, then is to attempt to strip away the power of words, to stop choking ourselves with words, to liberate ourselves from our suffocating mantras."

So today I am moved to be silent and present with my thoughts. Not just alone, but silent and present to the thoughts that are swimming around in my head. No outside noise (i.e. the t.v. or singing or talking to myself,), no words, NO FACEBOOK (OMG!!)OR BLACKBERRY!! Just me and my thoughts. And this is what I've discovered so far (since 7:53 this morning; it's now 10:01 a.m.). . . IT's LOUD IN HERE!!! And maybe I'm blogging to relieve some of the pressure!! It's not easy to think about your thoughts(I think the formal term is metacognition, the process of thinking about thinking). Cause all of my thoughts aren't necessarily good thoughts and these thoughts put me in touch with my feelings!! And these feelings don't feel good cause I don't understand why I think and feel this way. So I inquired of the Lord about one "thought" in particular: Jealousy (My spirit quenches even as I type it).

My thoughts in-loud: "Lord why am I so jealous and envious of people? I can't even appreciate who they are and what you've given them for wanting what they have. Why am I like this and where does it come from? How do I not be jealous of others? How do I stop these jealous thoughts from swimming around in my head? I don't want to ignore them any more. I want them to stop! How do I appreciate others for who they are and the lives you've given them to live? How do I extol others more highly than myself and give them the honor/recognition that they deserve? How do I celebrate the happiness of others? How, Fahter, do I let go of the jealous thoughts that I have toward others? The jealousy and the envy? How do I let it go? I even have jealousy of other's relationship with you!! How do I get to root of this and make it stop?"

His response: "LOVE YOURSELF! and the life I've given YOU to live. You are unique unlike anyone I've created on this earth. Forgive yourself. Accept yourself. Be yourself."

My counter-response: I don't know how to do that. I really don't. How do I do that?

His response: "Spend time with me everyday. Stay present with me. I will ALWAYS be "there" with you and for you Just spend time with me. I will show you everything you need to know."

The conversation took place in my head just like that. And I wrote it down. Of course I cried and cried and cried. I'm still crying. But I'm not sad. I'm feeling relieved! Coming face to face with and admitting to the ugly in you, the part that you don't like about you is hard. Embarassing. But liberating at the same time. I'm willing to take whatever risk I have to in order to be liberated from anything that may be holding me back from living the life God has given me to live.

Ok now I need a "thought" break. Can you take a break from your thoughts? Or do your thoughts just shift? All I know is that today, I don't want to escape them or block them out. Today I am silent and present to my thoughts.

Till We Meet Again. . .

I woke up thinking about Vickie Spencer. Saturday, December 19, 2009, the Lord called her home. I fell numb when i heard the news. I can’t believe she’s gone.

She loved me as her own. . . unconditionally, free of judgment. She prayed me through a rough time in my life and helped me forgive myself. For years we ministered together at Central Juvenile. . . faithfully every second Sunday; she was a stable force in my life and now she’s just gone. It won't be the same without her. I can’t help but wonder why she had to die. Not questioning God’s decision, just why her? Why now? God never makes mistakes and He wouldn’t dare risk His reputation by making one now. I’m clear on that. And He’s sovereign and does all things well and He causes all things to work together for our good. . . I am not confused. But none of that truth erases the question my flesh has: “Why Vickie? Why now?”

She's at peace now, free of pain and medicines and all that radiation. Her body succumbed to pancreatic cancer but her spirit is rejoicing and will live on forever. She’s “Vickie” again. . . healthy and radiant, and her voice is strong and clear. And God understands the heart of my questioning, and when I get in His presence with worship, He’s going to settle my longing to know. . .”Why Vickie? Why now?”

I love you, Vickie Spencer and I miss you so much already. I'll look out for Poppie and Marlon and I'll keep praying for and ministering to the children at juvenile hall.

Till we meet again. . .

Fiftieth Celebration

I am 50! Wow. It's been two days and I'm still trying to wrap my mind around it. I only believe it ‘cause my birth certificate says so! I don’t know what 50 is supposed to feel like but I feel great dispite my bum knee. Patsy, Kim, Roshann, and Jaha threw a “surprise” birthday party for me on Friday night. A birthday celebration.

It was at Recreation Park. I got there about 7:45 or so. Michael Blake and nephew Steve were waiting for my arrival and escorted me in. I was all prepared to “act” surprised but when I saw the people I really was surprised!! I got soooo happy and excited. And I stayed happy and excited allll night!! I forgot to take my camera out to have someone take pictures!!

Kim crowned me with a “50th Birthday” hat and necklace, and got things under way with prayer and I followed her with a surprise invitation to lead praise and worship! That’s how you get a party started!!.

From there, Robyn took over as hostess and oh my goodness. The girl is crazy!! I mean I always knew that but Friday night, she was off-the-chain funny!!! Totally off the cuff and in the moment. Reuben led the guests in shouting out fifty adjectives describing me. That was really incredible ‘cause I didn’t think they’d get past 10! But they quickly came up with 50 words! It was absolutely incredible!! Cathy Crowell, Julie Harris, Teresa Warren, and Lynette and Mary Green sang to me. They were amazing! The night continued with family and friends sharing their sentiments and views and personal testaments as to my place in their lives. And there were balloons and bubbles, a birthday cake and two versions of the “happy birthday” song. I was completely overwhelmed!

One of the “50 Things I Know For Sure” is every now and then I need to know that I matter. Well, mission accomplished on Friday night. Family and friends came out and showered me with love. And I felt it and embraced it. All of my insides shifted causing my errors and faults and excuses for who and why I am to fade away. I was humbled yet empowered. I felt loved and accepted; my being was validated! Sharon Jackson settled it all for me when she referred to me as a "wink" in people's lives when I share my being through my gifts. She says it's how I give love. She held me close to her and spoke to my heart. With that, I experienced a new level of freedom and became present with my own “goodness” and purpose. And there was peace inside of me; a peace that opened my heart to receive and give “love”. A feeling I’ve never felt before. It was God through His people.

I am so grateful to everyone who was present to share with me on that night. All of them are part of the transformation that is taking place in my life. I still see their faces. . . every single face. I still feel their hugs and I still hear their voices; their kind, genuine words; their songs. It was a defining moment for me and I'll never be the same.

I'm grateful.

Daddy

His birthday was this month—September 8. He would have been 92 years old. Nowadays the age of ninety-two isn’t old; had his mind been right and had he had a desire for life, he could still be alive I think. For the past few days, maybe weeks now, he's been on my mind. I’ve thought about him and what our relationship could have been like. In my eyes he was a miserable man, he didn’t like me, and he didn’t care whether I came or went. Learning the story about mama and “Mr. Barnett” validated these feelings and helped me to conclude that he didn’t like me because I wasn’t his; and he knew it! But Therman Willis Davis is the only man I’ve known as dad. Whether he is biologically my dad or not, he is the only man I’ve known to call my father. And so for the past few weeks I’ve longed for him, my father, and recently have been having conversations with him in my head.

It’s kind of weird because I feel like I’m establishing a relationship with him. I feel like he’s thinking about me, too.. . .like somehow my curiosity about what our relationship could have been like has reached heaven and I have his attention. And I feel love coming from him. Real love from my father. A daddy’s love. I close my eyes and I have a vision of us sitting and talking. Mostly me talking; he’s listening and answering any questions I have. But we’re communicating. His voice is calm and comforting and his answers are reassuring. I feel like a little girl. . .really safe and glad he’s my daddy. Proud he’s my daddy ‘cause he knows everything. And I wish he were here. I just need him so much right now.

Dear Lord . . .

This has been the most amazing summer of my life and I have you to thank. I asked and You made it possible. You provided more than I could have ever imagined! From the west to the south to the east to the Midwest, I couldn’t have asked for more. I enjoyed everything about it—the trains, planes, busses, cars, taxis, my family, the people, the food, the weather, the conversations, the food—everything! Thank you so much. Everywhere I was, You were. . .and you made me know it! Forever I will love You and worship You and share You “outloud” with others. You mean everything to me.