Till We Meet Again. . .

I woke up thinking about Vickie Spencer. Saturday, December 19, 2009, the Lord called her home. I fell numb when i heard the news. I can’t believe she’s gone.

She loved me as her own. . . unconditionally, free of judgment. She prayed me through a rough time in my life and helped me forgive myself. For years we ministered together at Central Juvenile. . . faithfully every second Sunday; she was a stable force in my life and now she’s just gone. It won't be the same without her. I can’t help but wonder why she had to die. Not questioning God’s decision, just why her? Why now? God never makes mistakes and He wouldn’t dare risk His reputation by making one now. I’m clear on that. And He’s sovereign and does all things well and He causes all things to work together for our good. . . I am not confused. But none of that truth erases the question my flesh has: “Why Vickie? Why now?”

She's at peace now, free of pain and medicines and all that radiation. Her body succumbed to pancreatic cancer but her spirit is rejoicing and will live on forever. She’s “Vickie” again. . . healthy and radiant, and her voice is strong and clear. And God understands the heart of my questioning, and when I get in His presence with worship, He’s going to settle my longing to know. . .”Why Vickie? Why now?”

I love you, Vickie Spencer and I miss you so much already. I'll look out for Poppie and Marlon and I'll keep praying for and ministering to the children at juvenile hall.

Till we meet again. . .

Fiftieth Celebration

I am 50! Wow. It's been two days and I'm still trying to wrap my mind around it. I only believe it ‘cause my birth certificate says so! I don’t know what 50 is supposed to feel like but I feel great dispite my bum knee. Patsy, Kim, Roshann, and Jaha threw a “surprise” birthday party for me on Friday night. A birthday celebration.

It was at Recreation Park. I got there about 7:45 or so. Michael Blake and nephew Steve were waiting for my arrival and escorted me in. I was all prepared to “act” surprised but when I saw the people I really was surprised!! I got soooo happy and excited. And I stayed happy and excited allll night!! I forgot to take my camera out to have someone take pictures!!

Kim crowned me with a “50th Birthday” hat and necklace, and got things under way with prayer and I followed her with a surprise invitation to lead praise and worship! That’s how you get a party started!!.

From there, Robyn took over as hostess and oh my goodness. The girl is crazy!! I mean I always knew that but Friday night, she was off-the-chain funny!!! Totally off the cuff and in the moment. Reuben led the guests in shouting out fifty adjectives describing me. That was really incredible ‘cause I didn’t think they’d get past 10! But they quickly came up with 50 words! It was absolutely incredible!! Cathy Crowell, Julie Harris, Teresa Warren, and Lynette and Mary Green sang to me. They were amazing! The night continued with family and friends sharing their sentiments and views and personal testaments as to my place in their lives. And there were balloons and bubbles, a birthday cake and two versions of the “happy birthday” song. I was completely overwhelmed!

One of the “50 Things I Know For Sure” is every now and then I need to know that I matter. Well, mission accomplished on Friday night. Family and friends came out and showered me with love. And I felt it and embraced it. All of my insides shifted causing my errors and faults and excuses for who and why I am to fade away. I was humbled yet empowered. I felt loved and accepted; my being was validated! Sharon Jackson settled it all for me when she referred to me as a "wink" in people's lives when I share my being through my gifts. She says it's how I give love. She held me close to her and spoke to my heart. With that, I experienced a new level of freedom and became present with my own “goodness” and purpose. And there was peace inside of me; a peace that opened my heart to receive and give “love”. A feeling I’ve never felt before. It was God through His people.

I am so grateful to everyone who was present to share with me on that night. All of them are part of the transformation that is taking place in my life. I still see their faces. . . every single face. I still feel their hugs and I still hear their voices; their kind, genuine words; their songs. It was a defining moment for me and I'll never be the same.

I'm grateful.

Daddy

His birthday was this month—September 8. He would have been 92 years old. Nowadays the age of ninety-two isn’t old; had his mind been right and had he had a desire for life, he could still be alive I think. For the past few days, maybe weeks now, he's been on my mind. I’ve thought about him and what our relationship could have been like. In my eyes he was a miserable man, he didn’t like me, and he didn’t care whether I came or went. Learning the story about mama and “Mr. Barnett” validated these feelings and helped me to conclude that he didn’t like me because I wasn’t his; and he knew it! But Therman Willis Davis is the only man I’ve known as dad. Whether he is biologically my dad or not, he is the only man I’ve known to call my father. And so for the past few weeks I’ve longed for him, my father, and recently have been having conversations with him in my head.

It’s kind of weird because I feel like I’m establishing a relationship with him. I feel like he’s thinking about me, too.. . .like somehow my curiosity about what our relationship could have been like has reached heaven and I have his attention. And I feel love coming from him. Real love from my father. A daddy’s love. I close my eyes and I have a vision of us sitting and talking. Mostly me talking; he’s listening and answering any questions I have. But we’re communicating. His voice is calm and comforting and his answers are reassuring. I feel like a little girl. . .really safe and glad he’s my daddy. Proud he’s my daddy ‘cause he knows everything. And I wish he were here. I just need him so much right now.

Dear Lord . . .

This has been the most amazing summer of my life and I have you to thank. I asked and You made it possible. You provided more than I could have ever imagined! From the west to the south to the east to the Midwest, I couldn’t have asked for more. I enjoyed everything about it—the trains, planes, busses, cars, taxis, my family, the people, the food, the weather, the conversations, the food—everything! Thank you so much. Everywhere I was, You were. . .and you made me know it! Forever I will love You and worship You and share You “outloud” with others. You mean everything to me.

A Day Outloud: September 7, 2009

It Labor Day. Summer is officially over. Back to work tomorrow.

I spent the day alone. I woke up thinking about my relationships and why I’m always alone. I wanted to call two of my male friends but I knew it was best not to call either one of them. The two of them keep me on an emotional roller coaster probably because they are the two that I went beyond sheer intimacy with. It’s been weeks since I’ve spoken with either one and, at this point, it’s best that I continue to not talk to them. One of them I know probably wouldn’t answer his phone anyway and the other one. . .well we’d probably find something to disagree about and end up hanging up on a bad note. No, I need to be where I am right now. . .alone with myself. With my emotions and feelings. Something’s happening and I need to not fight it. Today I was led to my journal entries from Landmark and was reminded of the work I did. On the flight home from Philadelphia I was brought back to the work I did in Landmark---the conversation that I had with Valarie about my relationships (men vs women) had to be at the tail end of our time together because I needed to process on my own—so that I could be reminded—so that I could review what I learned —so that I could be present with myself and my own thoughts, without interference. The end of the sour trip to Las Vegas last weekend also brought me back to the work I did in Landmark. It ended the way it did because I wasn’t being “authentic”; I had time to think about that on the bus ride home.

I’ve never longed for my dad. . .I didn’t even have a relationship with the man. But i believe its all relative. I don’t want the work I’ve done (through Landmark) to stop or be for naught. I became complete with my past and created the possibility of living my life authentically—with my God, myself, and in my relationships. I gave possibility to become and be and choose the life I want for myself. I’m cleaning up—old wounds, suppressed emotions—and I’m starting over.
Unfortunately it's not going to be easy. Nor pain free.

A Day Outloud: September 6, 2009

I’m lonely today. I haven’t felt this way in a very, very long time. Maybe I’m experiencing separation anxiety. HaHaHa. . .that would be a first. Over the past 2 months, I’ve been around and engaged with more people on a continuous, day to day basis than I have. . .I don’t know. . . since my early 20’s maybe. And now, suddenly, everyone’s. . . gone. And I liked everybody. And I enjoyed so much being around everybody. And the "everybody" was actually family!! Go figure. I enjoyed being around my family. And it was comfortable. Not one time did I wish the day would end or did I want to go and be by myself. I had enough “alone time” at night. . .wherever I slept. .. and that was enough. Amazingly, that was enough. And I just kinda miss being around everybody now. I don’t know why it’s suddenly hitting me today. I feel sad. Not depressed, just sad. And lonely.

And I wish I had my parent’s house to go to and stay the night tonight. I don’t want to go anywhere else; I just want my parent’s house to go to. With your parents you don’t have to ask if it’s ok to come by or go in the fridge or stay the night or wash or just hang out cause you wanna just hang out. . . anywhere in the house. It’s mama and daddy’s house! It’s always ok. At least it was for me. And I miss that more than anything. . . just having them there and having their house to go. Just being able to put my key in the door and be home. More than that, though, I wish I had daddy here to know him like my siblings have described him. I wish I had my daddy here to talk to about stuff. .. about things I’ve done and what to do next. I’d go over to the house right now and go out in the backyard where he would most likely be and do like Valarie did. . .just be present with him. Or I’d sit on the couch next to the chair he’d most likely be sitting in and watch television with him. . . or maybe even ask him to show me how to play checkers or chess. I don’t really like games but he did and that give us something in common. Or maybe I would just ask him questions. . . random questions.. .to listen to him talk. Yeah. . . And somewhere in the midst of all of that he would hear me say something that’s on my heart and give me advice. Like daddy’s are supposed to do. . .

I don’t know where all of this is coming from but it’s a bit overwhelming today. In times past I’ve been able to crawl into the arms of God and find comfort and security but today. . . I don’t know. Emotions overtake me and it’s hard to settle. Maybe my quest to understand why I prefer men over women as friends has opened the door to these feelings. I don’t know. I just know I have a need to be parented right through here.

And what the hell does it mean when people say “home is where the heart is.”?

A Day Outloud: September 5, 2009

I was tired when I woke up this morning ‘cause I didn't rest well due to the heat. It was soo hot last night. When I opened my eyes I realized I had finally slept; and I just laid there staring at the ceiling. I didn't want to read, pray, or do anything. . .I didn’t want to disturb my body temperature, my hormones (those f**kin’ “private” summers). . . I just wanted to enjoy the coolness. So I turned on the television. . .

There was a McDonald’s commercial on. I'm not sure how I was suddenly so enticed but I succumbed to the invite and busted out of the house to buy a breakfast deluxe! I rationalized it being the perfect solution to not turning on any heat in my duplex. I couldn't have been more wrong. And it’s not like I didn't already know! A man ate McDonalds for 30 days and gained 2+ pounds a day!!! The food is crap! What was I thinking??? (Apparently I wasn't). Dang.

I was void of television all while I vacationed and didn’t miss it at all. I didn’t sleep to the television and I didn’t wake up to it. I was fine without it. I read and I journaled and I was up everyday enjoying being present with me and my surroundings. So why can’t I do that here. At home. In California. What’s different? There are things to do here. There are places to go. There are people to hang out with and be around. Why am I falling back into those old habits? Cause it’s hot as hell. And I would have to drive to get where I need to go! Maybe if my car had air conditioning that would help. But it doesn’t. So it makes any drive, especially across that freeway in the heat, miserable!!

I’ve got to create the possibility of day to day living without the television. I’ve got to establish a life, a routine, right here at home—in California—without it. I was provoked and manipulated by that thing today! McDonald’s?? C’mon now.